Monday, March 21, 2011

"Born This Way" Blog: Joe

My gay self posted on "Born This Way" at age 8! What a gay pose next to my sister.

"Born This Way" Blog: Joe: "Joe, age 7 Oak Park, MI (1970) This is me and my sister Lisa. I knew I was gay around the time of this picture. How could the person taking t..."

The Daily Maverick :: 'Sex At Dawn': shattering the monogamy myth, and more

The Daily Maverick :: 'Sex At Dawn': shattering the monogamy myth, and more

OUTview Online: Italian Newspaper Slams Ikea's Gay Ad!

OUTview Online: Italian Newspaper Slams Ikea's Gay Ad!: "The Daily Mail reports: 'Il Giornale has labelled it as 'provocative' and added: 'What's behind all this? It's not awareness of gay rights f..."

Thursday, March 10, 2011

When your spouse or partner has a secret sexual life

When your spouse or partner has a secret sexual life

(This article generalizes that the sexually acting out partner is male and the discovering partner is female. This is, of course, a sweeping generalization and more often the case than the other way around. I have mostly focused on the sexually acting out men which can be found here under articles).

The biggest referral source for my practice regarding Internet infidelity is the computer. With one click of the keyboard, women can discover a whole world her partner is engaged in and would have never known otherwise.

It makes sense there is high reactivity as discovering sexual material can be very upsetting and confusing. 

When couples come into my office I usually do a few things immediately. 

First, I help calm both partners’ initial reactivity. Usually the partner who has been discovered on the Internet is experiencing a tremendous amount of shame for having their secret sex life exposed. They are often defensive, angry and blaming of their partner. The men often say they don’t know why they are viewing the porn or became involved in Internet chatting and want to stop but have been unable to do so. My work is to help them accept responsibility that for whatever reason they chose not to share their sexual activity on the Internet and that their partner has a right to their feelings of shock and betrayal.

The discovering partner often takes what they find very personally and feels that it is because she is not attractive enough or providing an adequate sex life to her partner. Another common reaction is to be very angry and say, “I didn’t cause this, this isn’t my problem” and he better fix this and stop immediately.

My preference is to help couples immediately and keep them together in therapy from start to finish to working this through together. However because feelings and emotions are running high on both sides I find I have to separate the couple and work with them individually. Both need privacy to get their initial feelings and thoughts out without having to worry about the other in the therapy room.

Unfortunately and understandably women often feel so betrayed and angry that they don’t want to be a part of the therapy because they say it makes them feel responsible for what happened and they have been blamed enough by the men who have often accused them of being hypersensitive and wrong in their suspicions that they were even on the Internet.

Consequently, I work with men first to help them understand their sexual indiscretions and how to explain to their partners what the sexual outlets were about and what they are willing and able to do about it.

When the wives and girlfriends are ready to enter therapy I try to work with them individually on whether or not they want to stay and work things out and provide them with resources and education their partners and on help them focus on themselves. Ultimately I bring the couples together to do the rest of the work and strengthen their relationship.

Here are some things for women to consider when discovering a partner’s secret sexual life:

1. It's not your fault!
His sexual outlet on the Internet most likely has nothing to do with you. Understandably this is hard to reconcile as often women compare themselves to the images the men are viewing. Also men may have often made feel that something is wrong with them by telling them to “get over it and deal with the fact that they enjoy porn” or making women feel “crazy” for being sensitive and hypervigalent.  The work here is not to take this personally as hard as that is.

2. He may have been sexually abused.
Sometimes excessive viewing of porn and sexual behaviors are the result of childhood sexual abuse. When women are sexually abused as children this often manifests in sexually shutting down as adults. There may be a period where they are hypersexual and in general when engaged in the sexual abuse recovery work they tend to be disinterested in sexual activity. Men, on the other hand, become hypersexual from childhood sexual abuse. While some men sexually shut down, the majority find themselves compulsively acting out in what I refer to as “returning to the scene of the crime” where they are re-enacting the abuse by watching it and/or acting it out.

3. Many women try to be more sexual once they discover men’s secret sexual lives.
Often women think that men are not getting enough sex so they try to compensate by offering themselves up sexually at a higher frequency and/or offering to do sexual behaviors in which they are uncomfortable. I often tell women that this is not the answer and that while they may decide to do this ultimately the decision should not come from desperation but rather a discussion with their spouse. Again it is most likely about the men’s inability to express their sexual needs and wants.

4. Many women are triggered by their own sexual histories, abuse and traumas.
Finding sexual material in a partner’s computer can bring back a variety of sexual betrayals for women from their own lives. Sometimes women have been abused or raped themselves and finding porn on the computer feels like being abused and raped all over again.  Seeing men objectify women through porn and the Internet can bring up a women’s own feelings of being objectified and sexualized against her will.

5. Going forward after learning about a partner’s secret sexual desires can be very vulnerable.
Recovering from sexual indiscretions in a relationship is possible and very fragile. I don’t recommend doing anything in terms of ending the relationship or even separating for at least three months.  It demands understanding what the sexual material meant about him, about her, and about them both as a couple. Insight into the personal vulnerabilities that led to the behaviors helps distance from the sensationalism of the sexual material and focus more on who both are individually. Getting past the trauma of the betrayal allows for safe communication about what the vision is for the relationship.

Friday, February 11, 2011

Latest Kort Report Newsletter February, 2011

I am excited to be going to London, England to offer my workshops for gay and lesbian couples and gay and bisexual males who are partnered or single.

I will also be offering a couple's workshop for all couples here in Michigan in March. 

I am writing for a popular magazine for gay men in the UK called, "Attitude", in which I answer questions from gay men about their lives. 

Read the newsletter for all this and more by clicking here 

The power of vulnerability

Brene Brown: The power of vulnerability | Video on
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Lady Gaga's new song is about gay children.

Logo Blogs: 365 Gay: A look at Lady Gaga’s “Born This Way” lyrics
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Couples Learn Valuable Lessons In the Movie Just Go With It

Couples Learn Valuable Lessons In the Movie Just Go With It - Yahoo! News
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Why Does That Arouse Me? Part 2

Why Does THAT Arouse me?

I am going to offer a teleseries to therapists and non-therapists on the popular teleclasses I have done on the topic os sexual desires, fantasies and behaviors. I receive many emails and clients coming to me having discovered something they found on the internet that has intrigued them but that may be taboo or disturbing to them and want to know why they are aroused by it. I have been successful most of the time in helping someone understand the nonsexual meanings as to why they are aroused by what they are watching or thinking about. 

All sexual fantasies are healthy. There are some that should never be acted on because they might be putting the person who has them or someone else at risk. I don’t believe there’s any pathology in our sexual fantasies or desires. Instead, I see them as a positive story about ourselves that’s trying to be told. Learning what the nonsexual meanings of our fantasies are can be very helpful.
For example, you might have a fantasy of being dominated and spanked. There’s nothing wrong with that fantasy and there’s nothing wrong with doing it. But what I want to help someone do is explore why they have that fantasy from a positive perspective and not necessarily pathologize it. Not in a negative way but in a positive way. What does that mean about you?”
Dr. Kort learned the benefit of helping people explore the origins of their fantasies through years of work with men who are addicted to sex and from those who have been sexually abused. By "cracking the erotic code" and learning the narrative of what the sexual desires mean can help you feel better about your sexuality and learn more about yourself.
Learn the hidden meanings behind what turns you on.

Fee: $15.00 Click here to purchase the audio. You will then receive the password to the page for download in an email.
Related Article: Depathologizing Porn: Why Can't It Be Just an Acceptable Diversion?

I would be very interested in knowing what you would like the teleseminar to focus on. You can blog here if you would be interested. 

I am thinking of things like talking about why people are interested in giving or receiving anal sex, cuckolding, BDSM, S&M, Fetishes, Group Sex, and everything between from vanilla to kinky sex!

Let's hear from you. 

Tuesday, February 8, 2011

Workshop for gay and bisexual men

Thursday, May 5, 2011
10 AM - 1 PM OR 7PM - 10PM 

Location: Beauchamp Lodge, 2 Warwick Crescent, London W2 6NE, UK.

There is also confusion about what is sex, what is love and what is intimacy. This workshop will explore the definitions of each of these and how to integrate them all together for gay men. Much of our culture as gay men, as well as for our heterosexual counterparts, are confused about how to make this integration. There is also confusion about how to have healthy sex, love and intimacy without having to have all of them combined. This workshop will help clarify all of this.

  • How do you define sex?
  • What is healthy versus unhealthy sex?
  • Do you understand the secret logic of your sexual fantasies?
  • What is your sexual shadow?
  • Are you sexually addicted, compulsive or just have a large sexual appetite?
  • Do you carry sexual shame?
  • How do you feel about your body? 
  • Do you want to improve your sex life? 
  • Are you getting the love you want in your relationship?
  • Are you keeping the love you find when you think you found Mr. Right?
  • What is your definition of love?
  • What is your definition of intimacy?

The goal of this workshop is to learn more about yourself as a gay man, develop tools and practices to live in integrity and be accountable, and to be able to identify your needs and communicate them effectively without your reactive mind getting in your way. It will also help you to develop strong relationships (both intimate and non-intimate).

For more information about this workshop go to 

What If It's Gay?: If God's Giving Out Gay Babies, Sign Me Up

What If It's Gay?: If God's Giving Out Gay Babies, Sign Me Up / Queerty
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Thursday, February 3, 2011

There is no such thing as being able to lengthen one's penis size

Don't believe any ad for lengthening penis size, it is all a scam--all of it.

Penis Size: The Measure of a Man? | Psychology Today
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Faking Orgasms?

More men think their partners are having orgasms than are having them. A recent study conducted at Indiana University found that 64% of women reported having an orgasm during their last sexual encounter, while 85% of men believed their partner had an orgasm the last time they had sex.

Shedding light on this discrepancy are studies on faking orgasms. Across several studies, the results are strikingly consistent: 53% to 67% of women report faking orgasm. As just one example, in a study of over 3,000 women who returned questionnaires distributed by mail and popular magazines, 53% said "yes" to the question "Do you ever fake orgasms?" Similarly, a study published in 2009 in the Journal of Sexual Medicine found that 67% of 101 college women reported faking orgasm. The overwhelming majority who faked did so during intercourse.

Orgasms: You Can't Fake it Till You Make It | Psychology Today
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Wednesday, February 2, 2011

Gay Marriage or just marriage?

I totally agree with this author:

“Words matter. They shape how people think, especially about matters with which they are unfamiliar. And just as it’s not “gay lunch” or “gay baseball,” calling it “gay marriage” means it is different from “straight marriage.” It’s not.”

Let’s Finally Say No To ‘Gay Marriage’ | The New Civil Rights Movement
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The Love Drug--Oxytocin is only about love!

SAN ANTONIO — Oxytocin, a hormone with a rosy reputation for getting people to love, trust and generally make nice with one another, can get down and dirty, according to evidence presented on January 28 at the annual meeting of the Society for Personality and Social Psychology.

This brain-altering substance apparently amplifies whatever social proclivities a person already possesses, whether positive or negative, says psychologist Jennifer Bartz of Mount Sinai School of Medicine in New York City.

Previous work has shown that a nasal blast of the hormone encourages a usually trusting person to become more trusting (SN Online: 5/21/08), but now Bartz and her colleagues find that it also makes a highly suspicious person more uncooperative and hostile than ever.

“Oxytocin does not simply make everyone feel more secure, trusting and prosocial,” Bartz says.

These new results raise concerns about plans by some researchers to administer oxytocin to people with autism and other psychiatric conditions that include social difficulties, she adds.

Iowa trying to pass anti-marriage law for gays!

This is so full of prejudice, fear and hatred and has been going on a long time. In Michigan where I live and many other states, DOMA (Defense of Marriage Act) was passed to PREVENT gay marriage even when civil unions and gay marriages were not even legal--anywhere! Now Iowa already passed civil unions for gays but are trying to prevent it from becoming marriage.

I truly feel like what it must have felt like for African-Americans before civil rights movement.

The Iowa House today, by a vote of 62-37, passed an amendment (House Joint Resolution 6) that would deny any form of legal recognition for gay couples. The amendment seeks to prohibit not only the freedom to marry for gay couples, but also civil unions or domestic partnerships.
The bill now moves on to the Iowa Senate, where Senate Majority Leader Mike Gronstal has vowed to fight attempts to pass the amendment. If passed through both legislative bodies in two consecutive General Assemblies, the issue could be on the ballot as soon as 2013.

Tuesday, February 1, 2011

Same-Sex Affairs: Men More Forgiving Than Women.

(CBS) No one likes being cheated on, but guys are more willing to forgive and forget when their girlfriend cheats with a woman than with another man.

In fact, guys are more than twice as likely to continue to date a woman who strays with a woman than one who has a heterosexual affair, according to a new study.

What about women who've been cheated on? They show the opposite pattern, saying they're more likely to continue dating a man who has had a heterosexual affair than one who has had a homosexual affair.

Same-Sex Affairs: Men More Forgiving than Women, Study Says - Health Blog - CBS News
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Monday, January 31, 2011

Ground Zero mosque imam Abdallah Adhami says homosexuality the result of 'violent emotional abuse'

It makes sense he believes this as there is a problem in middle eastern countries of male rape due to restriction of sex with women before marriage. I have seen many of the male survivors of rape and childhood sexual abuse in my practice and they worry they might be gay because of the abuse and they are not. I have a website on this

Ground Zero mosque imam Abdallah Adhami says homosexuality the result of 'violent emotional abuse' - Telegraph
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Sunday, January 30, 2011

Sexually Open Relationships--Can They Work?

I'm seeing an increase in open relationships in my practice and it is not the reason they are entering therapy. In other words, it is not the problem nor contributing to it. The sexually open relationship is working for these couples. Do you believe open relationships can work? Open Relationships - Good in Bed
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Saturday, January 29, 2011

Hawaii Senate overwhelmingly passes Civil Unions!

The state Senate on Friday approved Senate Bill 232, relating to Civil Unions, at its regular daily session.
The bill says unmarried, unrelated couples may have a judge or clergy solemnize their civil union, which will provide the same responsibilities and benefits of marriage under state law.
The bill passed the full Senate 19-6.

Religious Teachings Against Homosexuality is the Biggest Abuse Toward Gays.

This is an example and the result of teaching children in religious institutions that homosexuality is wrong.
Chaos erupts at funeral of Ugandan gay rights activist -
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Thursday, January 27, 2011

No Strings Sex. Just sex. Can it work?

Two movies this year - "No Strings Attached," out now, and "Friends with Benefits," releasing this summer and starring "Black Swan" actress Mila Kunis and Justin Timberlake - explore the hook-up dynamic, where sex is simply sex and nothing else. But do they work? Are they - assuming there aren't more Skeletors in the area - dangerous?

Nationally known psychotherapist and author Joe Kort, who practices in Royal Oak, is all for them. "People are seeing what people used to do didn't work, and they're making up their own rules," Kort says. "They're like, 'This works for me better than what should work for me.' They're getting rid of the 'should.' It's almost like, 'Fuck what I should do; I'll do what feels right to me.' And I think it's great."

To read this entire article go to

Orthodox Judaism and Homosexuality

By David O'Reilly
Inquirer Staff Writer
Steven Greenberg was a 20-year-old Orthodox rabbinic student from Ohio, studying in Jerusalem, when he realized his affections were "ripping me apart."

So he visited a sage, an esteemed interpreter of Jewish law.

"Master, I am attracted to both men and women," he told Rabbi Yosef Sholom Eliashiv. "What Shall I do?"

The ultra-Orthodox Eliashiv's answer came as a surprise. : Orthodox rabbi teaches what it's like to be gay
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Tuesday, January 25, 2011

Sex in the Time of GPS

The iPhone app “Grindr” is the biggest boon for gay sex since Craigslist. Clark Harding experiments hooking-up in all kinds of weird places, from traffic jams to mid-flight.

Technology is bringing men closer together—even to the point of penetration. With the help of the iPhone, mobile application use has grown exponentially from elite tech fashion to an entire culture of app whores. No, really. If there’s an app for anything from emergency medical advice to language translation, is it any surprise there’s one to calculate distance to sex?

Welcome to Grindr, the iPhone app that tracks its gay male user's every move and can find him a hookup nearby.

Sex in the Time of GPS

Superbowl Commercial

I love the use of homoeroticism. We have come a long way.

YouTube - The Sauna - 2011 Doritos Superbowl Commercial Ad
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Monday, January 24, 2011

Homophobia in Michigan

Andrew Shirvell, the former assistant state attorney general fired for antigay harassment against the University of Michigan student body president, had previously been warned about using state resources for antigay attacks on politicians.
Fired Mich. Assistant AG Was Warned | News | The Advocate
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Sunday, January 23, 2011

Coming to London, England for a Gay and Lesbian Couples Workshop!

I just purchased my airline tickets and am excited to be doing London, England's FIRST Gay and Lesbian IMAGO Relationship Therapy couple's weekend workshop.

Ask the Expert with Dr. Joe Kort: I'm a gay man but only attracted to straight guys'

Ask the Expert with Dr. Joe Kort: 'I'm a gay man but only attracted to straight guys'

This is one of my most popular videos. This is a common question that I receive in my practice.

Gay marriage getting closer!

Civil unions will be signed into law in Illinois on Jan. 31 | Breaking News | Wisconsin Gazette - Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, Transgender (LGBT) News
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What Would You Do If Your Son Wanted A Doll?

What Would You Do If Your Son Wanted a Doll, Challenging Gender Stereotypes? - ABC News
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Saturday, January 22, 2011

A Little Anal Retentive How the Far Right Tried to Rebrand a Conversation about Sex Education

A Little Anal Retentive How the Far Right Tried to Rebrand a Conversation about Sex Education
By Bill Taverner

It was one workshop in particular that really caught the attention of our detractors, so much so that they made sure to attend that workshop – from among 40 course offerings – to get all the juicy details.  The workshop was appropriately titled “Healthy Endings:  A Workshop on Anal Health and Sexual Safety.”  Why a workshop about the anus?  As the workshop description notes, about 40% of adults report having engaged in anal intercourse.  (As comedians have noted, the other 60% have a "friend"...)  Public policy professionals have long been aware of the association between unprotected anal intercourse and HIV, as well as other sexually transmitted infections.  So the question isn’t so much why we would have a workshop teaching about the anus and sexual safety – but why wouldn’t we?  The course reviewed physiology and recommendations for health and risk prevention.  It also included a fact sheet that provided comprehensive information about the anus.  One fact on this fact sheet cited research and commentary from scholars in the field on sexual safety in the context of butt plugs and other toys, being responsive to the common usage of such toys among adults.  It is important to know that almost half of the sex educators who attended the conference identified their primary audiences as adults.  However, those heckling our conference were trying to paint the picture that we were training middle school teachers to teach their students how to more effectively use their butt plugs.

Anti-male and anti-sex falsehoods that rule discussions of porn.

This is an important conversation about porn.

The Anti-Male, Anti-Sex Falsehoods That Rule Discussions about Porn and Sexuality | | AlterNet
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Tuesday, January 18, 2011

Sex on the Download: A Four part teleclass

Find out what is wrong and what is right with looking at porn on the internet and chatting with others on the internet.

Part 1

A four part teleclass with Joe Kort and Tammy Nelson

"Sex on the Download" is a reflection of our current culture of internet relationships where the growing societal influence of connecting in cyber relationships can create real time intimacy, but may also lead to compulsive sexual behaviors, porn addiction and compulsive infidelity.

Is it inevitable that in the not too distant future we will ultimately download all of our intimate and sexual connections?

For some users, this time may already be here. And it may be effecting real life partnerships, jobs, and the ability to create healthy sexual connections.

Therapists, educators, sexuality counselors and medical practitioners will benefit from this training to assist anyone who uses the internet as a pathway to relationship, connection, sexuality or pleasure and who finds themselves caught in a web of cyber chaos, pain, addiction or crisis.

Learn direct interventions, insight oriented and nonpathologizing behavioral changes, and directed attempts to connect for couples and individuals. We will use lecture, case example and worksheets and handouts. Supervision, group discussion and ongoing support is included in this LIVE teleclass.

Four Tuesdays: Jan 25, Feb 1, 8, 15, 2011
12pm – 1pm EST

COST: $200 (student discount may be available)

Week 1 - Participants will learn to provide appropriate diagnosis of sexual disorders such as sexual compulsivity, sexual addiction, porn addiction, compulsive infidelity and other sexual behavioral disorders that manifest as internet disorders. Is there such a thing as sex addiction? Is porn addiction real? Can it be something else? What is healthy use of the internet? Can pornography use ever be healthy?

Week 2 - Participants will learn ways to work with partners to accept responsibility for the repair of sexual dysfunction as it relates to object relations and personal sexual history. Work with couples to repair relationships after infidelity, after porn addiction, after betrayal or trauma. Move partnerships through specific stages of erotic recovery necessary for healing.

Week 3 - Participants will learn ways to address the nonsexual meanings of sexual behaviors or lack thereof including cracking the code of fantasy and desire as it relates to internet behavior. Learn ways to share fantasy with partners to decrease anxiety and bring erotic energy back in to the relationship instead of splitting it off to outside exits.

Week 4 - Participants will learn ways to explore their own countertransference, assumptions and assertions and the difficulties this presents in the treatment of internet relationships. The non-pathological use of the internet is reflected in positively framed couples work using fluidity, intuition and sexual empathy.

Tammy Nelson, PhD, LPC, is a Certified Sexologist, a Licensed Professional Counselor, a Certified Imago Therapist and the author ofGetting the Sex You Want: Shed Your Inhibitions and Reach New Heights of Passion Together, and lectures and trains internationally on sex and relationships.

Joe Kort, PhD, LMSW, is a psychotherapist and Board Certified Sexologist who specializes in sexual identity issues, IMAGO relationship therapy, sex therapy and sexual addiction. He is the author of two books on gay male identity and relationships, Gay Affirmative Therapy for the Straight Clinician and has a chapter for female partners who are involved with men who have sex with men in Mending a
Shattered Heart

Monday, January 17, 2011

Showering with other men is a privilege

Recently I posted on my Facebook page my anger at the men who are opposed to showering with openly gay men in the military. This came after reading an article on entitled, "Homophobic Group Argues Gay Soldiers Should Shower Apart From Straight Soldiers". I labeled these straight men as nothing more than scared, ignorant, homophobic and threatened. I regret having such a strong and narrow mindset now however I don't know that I am completely wrong and I do recognize that I was having an overreaction

Here is a direct quote from me on my wall:

This is about patriarchy where straight men feel their sexual erotocism is central and dominant and G-d forbid women and gay men share sexual power. Straighten are frightened of losing their power.

My anger reaction comes from the mindset that people believe that gay equals sex and that all gay men want to do is hump the next guy with whom he comes in contact. I remember vividly my mother telling me in the summer before 6th grade that I would be showering with other boys for gym class. As a gay child and one moving rapidly toward puberty this was overwhelmingly exciting and titillating. Imagine if heterosexual boys were suddenly told they were going to have access to the female locker room. Quickly I realized that this was not going to work out well as erections were not so easy to control and I knew that I would have them in the locker room. All I remember thinking that summer is of being humiliated and exposed as a "fag" right there for all to see me standing at attention--literally!

So, like other gay boys who are placed in situations with other males in locker rooms, I learned to look straight ahead and think of anything other than the naked males who were around me. This was stressful and I remember being full of anxiety. However, I learned to get used to it and become desensitized to the images while I was in the shower. I admit that I would go home and masturbate the images that I had seen and fantasize that anything but just showering was going on in that locker room.

Gay boys like myself learn to be appropriate and respectful in the locker room. While it is true there are some gay males who are not respectful and gawk and sexualize other men openly in the locker room, they are the minority.

That said, I have to admit that as a gay man I do see showering and changing in the locker room as a privilege that I take seriously. I know it would make people more comfortable if I said, "No there is nothing sexual about it and it is neutral for me" but it is not.

The argument that if straight men were allowed to shower with women is not a good comparison for gay men showering with other men in the military or anywhere else because we gay men have been showering with other males our whole lives whereas straight men have not been doing so with women. Gay men develop ways to cope that straight men would not have as adults suddenly thrown in with naked women.

A former college roommate and friend of mine gave me permission to post his response to me on Facebook wall here on my blog:

All joking and intolerance of heterosexuals aside, what DO we do about people who genuinely feel uncomfortable about showering with overtly gay people who might be titilated by seeing them naked? You're attitude can't seriously be, as that article suggests, "oh, those backwards bigots! Get over it!"---can it? Just because someone is uncomfortable being naked around strangers of the opposite sex (whether literally the opposite sex, or just constructively---i.e., gays) doesn't make them bigots. Are women bigots who don't want to change in front of strange men? Seriously, we should be adults and be responsive to people's sensitivities and vulnerabilities. It's not unreasonable to be uncomfortable at the possibility, let alone likelihood, of people leering lasciviously while one showers or undresses in a communal setting. And you must admit, in the general population, there WILL be people who gawk or leer. C'mon---we're men---it's what we do, a thousand times a day. If it walks, wriggles or crawls, we're looking at it coming or going, sizing it up, giving it a score, storing it in our camel-hump memory for emergency use later if necessary. Sure, changing the DADT policy won't change the ratio of hetero to homo, but the key consideration is that DADT affords an "ignorance is bliss" benefit. I can understand why, for some people, it's uncomfortable to shower in front of people who are covertly gay and, by definition, turned-on by members of your "sexual category."
Either it's "Don't Ask Don't Tell", and "ignorance is bliss," and people just go on not knowing who might be susceptible to titilation, and keep showering together, and no one is the wiser but the gays get their red meat and the "homo-phobes" (i.e., those who are uncomfortable showering with gays), get their state of denial. Or else we have "Nobody Asked But Look At Me, I'm Telling Anyway", and gays don't get court-martialed out of the service, and get to live freely, but we have separate showers because we're sensitive about people's sexual issues and vulnerabilities. But you can't have both!---can't have your cake and eat it too. i.e., you don't get the communal showers as if no one knows and its no big deal, at the same time you get to trumpet that you're gay and harbor a sexual preference for the group you're showering with!
It just doesn't seem bigoted, prejudiced, unreasonable, or backwards to me. It's just considerate, to have separate showers in such situations. I would LOVE being able to shower with the women at the gym, and pretend like it's no big deal, I'm just there to work-out, and how dare women PRESUME I'm automatically turned-on by them just because I'm heterosexual and turned-on by women as a group. But seriously---there would, in any general population of women, be some I'm leering and gawking at! And they would be completely reasonable and within their rights to require separate showering facilities, just SUSPECTING that, given the law of averages, there would be men like me out there!
I can hear the howls of protest already, at my impudence in contesting this position, or in unknowingly using some politically-incorrect words or phrases; some of your fans, I've noticed, simply have no tolerance for disparate opinions and principles, and assume those who disagree are bigoted louts. Still, I welcome all of you "educating" me, if I'm wrong on some premise or conclusion. But I do wonder---is the "gay agenda" about being treated equally, under a fair application of The Rule of Law, and about the freedom to be yourself without repercussion and blow-back (no pun intended!)? Or is it about dispensing with the cumbersome art of persuasion, and instead FORCING an expedient change in attitudes?

I cannot say I disagree with my former college roommate. I also feel that my side makes sense too. Some men are overreacting while others are not and have to struggle with this and work this through. What do you think?