Outside the Kort Room

Check out my @constantcontact newsletter archive

2011-04-22T11:37:00.000-04:00

Check out my @constantcontact newsletter archive

365gay.com | Ask the Expert: My girlfriend keeps texting her exes!

2011-04-13T16:56:00.000-04:00

365gay.com | Ask the Expert: My girlfriend keeps texting her exes!

365gay.com | Ask the Expert: Growing up Gay

2011-03-25T02:05:00.000-04:00

365gay.com | Ask the Expert: Growing up Gay

"Born This Way" Blog: Joe

2011-03-21T07:47:00.000-04:00

My gay self posted on "Born This Way" at age 8! What a gay pose next to my sister.

"Born This Way" Blog: Joe: "Joe, age 7 Oak Park, MI (1970) This is me and my sister Lisa. I knew I was gay around the time of this picture. How could the person taking t..."

The Daily Maverick :: 'Sex At Dawn': shattering the monogamy myth, and more

2011-03-21T02:13:00.000-04:00

The Daily Maverick :: 'Sex At Dawn': shattering the monogamy myth, and more

OUTview Online: Italian Newspaper Slams Ikea's Gay Ad!

2011-03-21T01:58:00.000-04:00

OUTview Online: Italian Newspaper Slams Ikea's Gay Ad!: "The Daily Mail reports: 'Il Giornale has labelled it as 'provocative' and added: 'What's behind all this? It's not awareness of gay rights f..."

When your spouse or partner has a secret sexual life

2011-03-10T00:41:00.001-05:00

When your spouse or partner has a secret sexual life

(This article generalizes that the sexually acting out partner is male and the discovering partner is female. This is, of course, a sweeping generalization and more often the case than the other way around. I have mostly focused on the sexually acting out men which can be found here www.JoeKort.com under articles).

The biggest referral source for my practice regarding Internet infidelity is the computer. With one click of the keyboard, women can discover a whole world her partner is engaged in and would have never known otherwise.

It makes sense there is high reactivity as discovering sexual material can be very upsetting and confusing.

When couples come into my office I usually do a few things immediately.

First, I help calm both partners’ initial reactivity. Usually the partner who has been discovered on the Internet is experiencing a tremendous amount of shame for having their secret sex life exposed. They are often defensive, angry and blaming of their partner. The men often say they don’t know why they are viewing the porn or became involved in Internet chatting and want to stop but have been unable to do so. My work is to help them accept responsibility that for whatever reason they chose not to share their sexual activity on the Internet and that their partner has a right to their feelings of shock and betrayal.

The discovering partner often takes what they find very personally and feels that it is because she is not attractive enough or providing an adequate sex life to her partner. Another common reaction is to be very angry and say, “I didn’t cause this, this isn’t my problem” and he better fix this and stop immediately.

My preference is to help couples immediately and keep them together in therapy from start to finish to working this through together. However because feelings and emotions are running high on both sides I find I have to separate the couple and work with them individually. Both need privacy to get their initial feelings and thoughts out without having to worry about the other in the therapy room.

Unfortunately and understandably women often feel so betrayed and angry that they don’t want to be a part of the therapy because they say it makes them feel responsible for what happened and they have been blamed enough by the men who have often accused them of being hypersensitive and wrong in their suspicions that they were even on the Internet.

Consequently, I work with men first to help them understand their sexual indiscretions and how to explain to their partners what the sexual outlets were about and what they are willing and able to do about it.

When the wives and girlfriends are ready to enter therapy I try to work with them individually on whether or not they want to stay and work things out and provide them with resources and education their partners and on help them focus on themselves. Ultimately I bring the couples together to do the rest of the work and strengthen their relationship.

Here are some things for women to consider when discovering a partner’s secret sexual life:

1. It's not your fault!

His sexual outlet on the Internet most likely has nothing to do with you. Understandably this is hard to reconcile as often women compare themselves to the images the men are viewing. Also men may have often made feel that something is wrong with them by telling them to “get over it and deal with the fact that they enjoy porn” or making women feel “crazy” for being sensitive and hypervigalent. The work here is not to take this personally as hard as that is.

2. He may have been sexually abused.

Sometimes excessive viewing of porn and sexual behaviors are the result of childhood sexual abuse. When women are sexually abused as children this often manifests in sexually shutting down as adults. There may be a period where they are hypersexual and in general when engaged in the sexual abuse recovery work they tend to be disinterested in sexual activity. Men, on the other hand, become hypersexual from childhood sexual abuse. While some men sexually shut down, the majority find themselves compulsively acting out in what I refer to as “returning to the scene of the crime” where they are re-enacting the abuse by watching it and/or acting it out.

3. Many women try to be more sexual once they discover men’s secret sexual lives.

Often women think that men are not getting enough sex so they try to compensate by offering themselves up sexually at a higher frequency and/or offering to do sexual behaviors in which they are uncomfortable. I often tell women that this is not the answer and that while they may decide to do this ultimately the decision should not come from desperation but rather a discussion with their spouse. Again it is most likely about the men’s inability to express their sexual needs and wants.

4. Many women are triggered by their own sexual histories, abuse and traumas.

Finding sexual material in a partner’s computer can bring back a variety of sexual betrayals for women from their own lives. Sometimes women have been abused or raped themselves and finding porn on the computer feels like being abused and raped all over again. Seeing men objectify women through porn and the Internet can bring up a women’s own feelings of being objectified and sexualized against her will.

5. Going forward after learning about a partner’s secret sexual desires can be very vulnerable.

Recovering from sexual indiscretions in a relationship is possible and very fragile. I don’t recommend doing anything in terms of ending the relationship or even separating for at least three months. It demands understanding what the sexual material meant about him, about her, and about them both as a couple. Insight into the personal vulnerabilities that led to the behaviors helps distance from the sensationalism of the sexual material and focus more on who both are individually. Getting past the trauma of the betrayal allows for safe communication about what the vision is for the relationship.

Latest Kort Report Newsletter February, 2011

2011-02-11T19:02:00.001-05:00

http://archive.constantcontact.com/fs081/1102561682612/archive/1104300010342.html

I am excited to be going to London, England to offer my workshops for gay and lesbian couples and gay and bisexual males who are partnered or single.

I will also be offering a couple's workshop for all couples here in Michigan in March.

I am writing for a popular magazine for gay men in the UK called, "Attitude", in which I answer questions from gay men about their lives.

Read the newsletter for all this and more by clicking here

The power of vulnerability

2011-02-11T18:43:00.001-05:00

Brene Brown: The power of vulnerability | Video on TED.com

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Lady Gaga's new song is about gay children.

2011-02-11T18:00:00.001-05:00

Logo Blogs: 365 Gay: A look at Lady Gaga’s “Born This Way” lyrics

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Couples Learn Valuable Lessons In the Movie Just Go With It

2011-02-11T11:56:00.001-05:00

Couples Learn Valuable Lessons In the Movie Just Go With It - Yahoo! News

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Why Does That Arouse Me? Part 2

2011-02-11T09:24:00.002-05:00

Why Does THAT Arouse me?

I am going to offer a teleseries to therapists and non-therapists on the popular teleclasses I have done on the topic os sexual desires, fantasies and behaviors. I receive many emails and clients coming to me having discovered something they found on the internet that has intrigued them but that may be taboo or disturbing to them and want to know why they are aroused by it. I have been successful most of the time in helping someone understand the nonsexual meanings as to why they are aroused by what they are watching or thinking about.

All sexual fantasies are healthy. There are some that should never be acted on because they might be putting the person who has them or someone else at risk. I don’t believe there’s any pathology in our sexual fantasies or desires. Instead, I see them as a positive story about ourselves that’s trying to be told. Learning what the nonsexual meanings of our fantasies are can be very helpful.

For example, you might have a fantasy of being dominated and spanked. There’s nothing wrong with that fantasy and there’s nothing wrong with doing it. But what I want to help someone do is explore why they have that fantasy from a positive perspective and not necessarily pathologize it. Not in a negative way but in a positive way. What does that mean about you?”

Dr. Kort learned the benefit of helping people explore the origins of their fantasies through years of work with men who are addicted to sex and from those who have been sexually abused. By "cracking the erotic code" and learning the narrative of what the sexual desires mean can help you feel better about your sexuality and learn more about yourself.

Learn the hidden meanings behind what turns you on.

Fee: $15.00 Click here to purchase the audio. You will then receive the password to the page for download in an email.

Related Article: Depathologizing Porn: Why Can't It Be Just an Acceptable Diversion?

I would be very interested in knowing what you would like the teleseminar to focus on. You can blog here if you would be interested.

I am thinking of things like talking about why people are interested in giving or receiving anal sex, cuckolding, BDSM, S&M, Fetishes, Group Sex, and everything between from vanilla to kinky sex!

Let's hear from you.

Workshop for gay and bisexual men

2011-02-08T23:22:00.001-05:00

Thursday, May 5, 2011
10 AM - 1 PM OR 7PM - 10PM
Location: Beauchamp Lodge, 2 Warwick Crescent, London W2 6NE, UK.

There is also confusion about what is sex, what is love and what is intimacy. This workshop will explore the definitions of each of these and how to integrate them all together for gay men. Much of our culture as gay men, as well as for our heterosexual counterparts, are confused about how to make this integration. There is also confusion about how to have healthy sex, love and intimacy without having to have all of them combined. This workshop will help clarify all of this.

How do you define sex?
What is healthy versus unhealthy sex?
Do you understand the secret logic of your sexual fantasies?
What is your sexual shadow?
Are you sexually addicted, compulsive or just have a large sexual appetite?
Do you carry sexual shame?
How do you feel about your body?
Do you want to improve your sex life?
Are you getting the love you want in your relationship?
Are you keeping the love you find when you think you found Mr. Right?
What is your definition of love?
What is your definition of intimacy?

The goal of this workshop is to learn more about yourself as a gay man, develop tools and practices to live in integrity and be accountable, and to be able to identify your needs and communicate them effectively without your reactive mind getting in your way. It will also help you to develop strong relationships (both intimate and non-intimate).

For more information about this workshop go to http://www.joekort.com/dgaymen.htm

What If It's Gay?: If God's Giving Out Gay Babies, Sign Me Up

2011-02-08T09:06:00.001-05:00

What If It's Gay?: If God's Giving Out Gay Babies, Sign Me Up / Queerty

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Can you call yourself bisexual if you have never had sex with a member of your own gender?

2011-02-07T10:36:00.001-05:00

Can You Call Yourself X if You've Never Y'd?

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Teenage defends his lesbian patents right to marry!

2011-02-06T18:12:00.001-05:00

This video left me speechless.

Teenage man becomes internet sensation after defending gay parents | QueerUK

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Sarah Schulman discusses homophobia, family and her book Ties That Bind

2011-02-06T15:10:00.000-05:00

She coined the term, "Familial Homophobia"

Sarah Schulman discusses homophobia, family and her book Ties That Bind

There is no such thing as being able to lengthen one's penis size

2011-02-03T08:02:00.001-05:00

Don't believe any ad for lengthening penis size, it is all a scam--all of it.

Penis Size: The Measure of a Man? | Psychology Today

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Faking Orgasms?

2011-02-03T07:53:00.001-05:00

More men think their partners are having orgasms than are having them. A recent study conducted at Indiana University found that 64% of women reported having an orgasm during their last sexual encounter, while 85% of men believed their partner had an orgasm the last time they had sex.

Shedding light on this discrepancy are studies on faking orgasms. Across several studies, the results are strikingly consistent: 53% to 67% of women report faking orgasm. As just one example, in a study of over 3,000 women who returned questionnaires distributed by mail and popular magazines, 53% said "yes" to the question "Do you ever fake orgasms?" Similarly, a study published in 2009 in the Journal of Sexual Medicine found that 67% of 101 college women reported faking orgasm. The overwhelming majority who faked did so during intercourse.

Orgasms: You Can't Fake it Till You Make It | Psychology Today

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Gay Marriage or just marriage?

2011-02-02T21:30:00.001-05:00

I totally agree with this author:

“Words matter. They shape how people think, especially about matters with which they are unfamiliar. And just as it’s not “gay lunch” or “gay baseball,” calling it “gay marriage” means it is different from “straight marriage.” It’s not.”

Let’s Finally Say No To ‘Gay Marriage’ | The New Civil Rights Movement

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The Love Drug--Oxytocin is only about love!

2011-02-02T15:56:00.000-05:00

http://www.sciencenews.org/view/generic/id/69359/title/Love_hormone_has_a_dark_side

SAN ANTONIO — Oxytocin, a hormone with a rosy reputation for getting people to love, trust and generally make nice with one another, can get down and dirty, according to evidence presented on January 28 at the annual meeting of the Society for Personality and Social Psychology.

This brain-altering substance apparently amplifies whatever social proclivities a person already possesses, whether positive or negative, says psychologist Jennifer Bartz of Mount Sinai School of Medicine in New York City.

Previous work has shown that a nasal blast of the hormone encourages a usually trusting person to become more trusting (SN Online: 5/21/08), but now Bartz and her colleagues find that it also makes a highly suspicious person more uncooperative and hostile than ever.

“Oxytocin does not simply make everyone feel more secure, trusting and prosocial,” Bartz says.

These new results raise concerns about plans by some researchers to administer oxytocin to people with autism and other psychiatric conditions that include social difficulties, she adds.

Iowa trying to pass anti-marriage law for gays!

2011-02-02T11:41:00.000-05:00

This is so full of prejudice, fear and hatred and has been going on a long time. In Michigan where I live and many other states, DOMA (Defense of Marriage Act) was passed to PREVENT gay marriage even when civil unions and gay marriages were not even legal--anywhere! Now Iowa already passed civil unions for gays but are trying to prevent it from becoming marriage.

I truly feel like what it must have felt like for African-Americans before civil rights movement.

The Iowa House today, by a vote of 62-37, passed an amendment (House Joint Resolution 6) that would deny any form of legal recognition for gay couples. The amendment seeks to prohibit not only the freedom to marry for gay couples, but also civil unions or domestic partnerships.

The bill now moves on to the Iowa Senate, where Senate Majority Leader Mike Gronstal has vowed to fight attempts to pass the amendment. If passed through both legislative bodies in two consecutive General Assemblies, the issue could be on the ballot as soon as 2013.

http://www.boxturtlebulletin.com/2011/02/01/30226?utm_source=feedburner&utm_medium=email&utm_campaign=Feed%3A+BoxTurtleBulletin+%28Box+Turtle+Bulletin%29

Same-Sex Affairs: Men More Forgiving Than Women.

2011-02-01T08:03:00.001-05:00

(CBS) No one likes being cheated on, but guys are more willing to forgive and forget when their girlfriend cheats with a woman than with another man.

In fact, guys are more than twice as likely to continue to date a woman who strays with a woman than one who has a heterosexual affair, according to a new study.

What about women who've been cheated on? They show the opposite pattern, saying they're more likely to continue dating a man who has had a heterosexual affair than one who has had a homosexual affair.

Same-Sex Affairs: Men More Forgiving than Women, Study Says - Health Blog - CBS News

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Ground Zero mosque imam Abdallah Adhami says homosexuality the result of 'violent emotional abuse'

2011-01-31T10:00:00.000-05:00

It makes sense he believes this as there is a problem in middle eastern countries of male rape due to restriction of sex with women before marriage. I have seen many of the male survivors of rape and childhood sexual abuse in my practice and they worry they might be gay because of the abuse and they are not. I have a website on this
www.straightguise.com

Ground Zero mosque imam Abdallah Adhami says homosexuality the result of 'violent emotional abuse' - Telegraph

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Sexually Open Relationships--Can They Work?

2011-01-30T17:56:00.002-05:00

I'm seeing an increase in open relationships in my practice and it is not the reason they are entering therapy. In other words, it is not the problem nor contributing to it. The sexually open relationship is working for these couples. Do you believe open relationships can work? Open Relationships - Good in Bed

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Hawaii Senate overwhelmingly passes Civil Unions!

2011-01-29T11:04:00.000-05:00

http://www.boxturtlebulletin.com/2011/01/28/30127

The state Senate on Friday approved Senate Bill 232, relating to Civil Unions, at its regular daily session.

The bill says unmarried, unrelated couples may have a judge or clergy solemnize their civil union, which will provide the same responsibilities and benefits of marriage under state law.

The bill passed the full Senate 19-6.

Religious Teachings Against Homosexuality is the Biggest Abuse Toward Gays.

2011-01-29T07:02:00.001-05:00

This is an example and the result of teaching children in religious institutions that homosexuality is wrong.
Chaos erupts at funeral of Ugandan gay rights activist - CNN.com

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No Strings Sex. Just sex. Can it work?

2011-01-27T10:52:00.000-05:00

Two movies this year - "No Strings Attached," out now, and "Friends with Benefits," releasing this summer and starring "Black Swan" actress Mila Kunis and Justin Timberlake - explore the hook-up dynamic, where sex is simply sex and nothing else. But do they work? Are they - assuming there aren't more Skeletors in the area - dangerous?

Nationally known psychotherapist and author Joe Kort, who practices in Royal Oak, is all for them. "People are seeing what people used to do didn't work, and they're making up their own rules," Kort says. "They're like, 'This works for me better than what should work for me.' They're getting rid of the 'should.' It's almost like, 'Fuck what I should do; I'll do what feels right to me.' And I think it's great."

To read this entire article go to http://pridesource.com/article.html?article=45147

Orthodox Judaism and Homosexuality

2011-01-27T06:04:00.001-05:00

By David O'Reilly
Inquirer Staff Writer
Steven Greenberg was a 20-year-old Orthodox rabbinic student from Ohio, studying in Jerusalem, when he realized his affections were "ripping me apart."

So he visited a sage, an esteemed interpreter of Jewish law.

"Master, I am attracted to both men and women," he told Rabbi Yosef Sholom Eliashiv. "What Shall I do?"

The ultra-Orthodox Eliashiv's answer came as a surprise.
Philly.com : Orthodox rabbi teaches what it's like to be gay

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Sex in the Time of GPS

2011-01-25T20:50:00.000-05:00

The iPhone app “Grindr” is the biggest boon for gay sex since Craigslist. Clark Harding experiments hooking-up in all kinds of weird places, from traffic jams to mid-flight.

Technology is bringing men closer together—even to the point of penetration. With the help of the iPhone, mobile application use has grown exponentially from elite tech fashion to an entire culture of app whores. No, really. If there’s an app for anything from emergency medical advice to language translation, is it any surprise there’s one to calculate distance to sex?

Welcome to Grindr, the iPhone app that tracks its gay male user's every move and can find him a hookup nearby.

Sex in the Time of GPS

Superbowl Commercial

2011-01-25T09:10:00.001-05:00

I love the use of homoeroticism. We have come a long way.

YouTube - The Sauna - 2011 Doritos Superbowl Commercial Ad

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Homophobia in Michigan

2011-01-24T11:11:00.001-05:00

Andrew Shirvell, the former assistant state attorney general fired for antigay harassment against the University of Michigan student body president, had previously been warned about using state resources for antigay attacks on politicians.
Fired Mich. Assistant AG Was Warned | News | The Advocate

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Coming to London, England for a Gay and Lesbian Couples Workshop!

2011-01-23T23:35:00.003-05:00

http://www.joekort.com/GTLYWEngland.htm

I just purchased my airline tickets and am excited to be doing London, England's FIRST Gay and Lesbian IMAGO Relationship Therapy couple's weekend workshop.

Ask the Expert with Dr. Joe Kort: I'm a gay man but only attracted to straight guys'

2011-01-23T23:21:00.001-05:00

Ask the Expert with Dr. Joe Kort: 'I'm a gay man but only attracted to straight guys'

This is one of my most popular videos. This is a common question that I receive in my practice.

Gay marriage getting closer!

2011-01-23T14:11:00.002-05:00

Civil unions will be signed into law in Illinois on Jan. 31 | Breaking News | Wisconsin Gazette - Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, Transgender (LGBT) News

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What Would You Do If Your Son Wanted A Doll?

2011-01-23T14:08:00.002-05:00

What Would You Do If Your Son Wanted a Doll, Challenging Gender Stereotypes? - ABC News

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A Little Anal Retentive How the Far Right Tried to Rebrand a Conversation about Sex Education

2011-01-22T20:48:00.000-05:00

A Little Anal Retentive How the Far Right Tried to Rebrand a Conversation about Sex Education
By Bill Taverner

It was one workshop in particular that really caught the attention of our detractors, so much so that they made sure to attend that workshop – from among 40 course offerings – to get all the juicy details. The workshop was appropriately titled “Healthy Endings: A Workshop on Anal Health and Sexual Safety.” Why a workshop about the anus? As the workshop description notes, about 40% of adults report having engaged in anal intercourse. (As comedians have noted, the other 60% have a "friend"...) Public policy professionals have long been aware of the association between unprotected anal intercourse and HIV, as well as other sexually transmitted infections. So the question isn’t so much why we would have a workshop teaching about the anus and sexual safety – but why wouldn’t we? The course reviewed physiology and recommendations for health and risk prevention. It also included a fact sheet that provided comprehensive information about the anus. One fact on this fact sheet cited research and commentary from scholars in the field on sexual safety in the context of butt plugs and other toys, being responsive to the common usage of such toys among adults. It is important to know that almost half of the sex educators who attended the conference identified their primary audiences as adults. However, those heckling our conference were trying to paint the picture that we were training middle school teachers to teach their students how to more effectively use their butt plugs.

Anti-male and anti-sex falsehoods that rule discussions of porn.

2011-01-22T16:05:00.001-05:00

This is an important conversation about porn.

The Anti-Male, Anti-Sex Falsehoods That Rule Discussions about Porn and Sexuality | | AlterNet

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Sex on the Download: A Four part teleclass

2011-01-18T10:31:00.001-05:00

Find out what is wrong and what is right with looking at porn on the internet and chatting with others on the internet.

SEX ON THE DOWNLOAD:
Part 1
A four part teleclass with Joe Kort and Tammy Nelson

"Sex on the Download" is a reflection of our current culture of internet relationships where the growing societal influence of connecting in cyber relationships can create real time intimacy, but may also lead to compulsive sexual behaviors, porn addiction and compulsive infidelity.

Is it inevitable that in the not too distant future we will ultimately download all of our intimate and sexual connections?

For some users, this time may already be here. And it may be effecting real life partnerships, jobs, and the ability to create healthy sexual connections.

Therapists, educators, sexuality counselors and medical practitioners will benefit from this training to assist anyone who uses the internet as a pathway to relationship, connection, sexuality or pleasure and who finds themselves caught in a web of cyber chaos, pain, addiction or crisis.

Learn direct interventions, insight oriented and nonpathologizing behavioral changes, and directed attempts to connect for couples and individuals. We will use lecture, case example and worksheets and handouts. Supervision, group discussion and ongoing support is included in this LIVE teleclass.

Four Tuesdays: Jan 25, Feb 1, 8, 15, 2011
12pm – 1pm EST

COST: $200 (student discount may be available)

Week 1 - Participants will learn to provide appropriate diagnosis of sexual disorders such as sexual compulsivity, sexual addiction, porn addiction, compulsive infidelity and other sexual behavioral disorders that manifest as internet disorders. Is there such a thing as sex addiction? Is porn addiction real? Can it be something else? What is healthy use of the internet? Can pornography use ever be healthy?

Week 2 - Participants will learn ways to work with partners to accept responsibility for the repair of sexual dysfunction as it relates to object relations and personal sexual history. Work with couples to repair relationships after infidelity, after porn addiction, after betrayal or trauma. Move partnerships through specific stages of erotic recovery necessary for healing.

Week 3 - Participants will learn ways to address the nonsexual meanings of sexual behaviors or lack thereof including cracking the code of fantasy and desire as it relates to internet behavior. Learn ways to share fantasy with partners to decrease anxiety and bring erotic energy back in to the relationship instead of splitting it off to outside exits.

Week 4 - Participants will learn ways to explore their own countertransference, assumptions and assertions and the difficulties this presents in the treatment of internet relationships. The non-pathological use of the internet is reflected in positively framed couples work using fluidity, intuition and sexual empathy.

Tammy Nelson, PhD, LPC, is a Certified Sexologist, a Licensed Professional Counselor, a Certified Imago Therapist and the author ofGetting the Sex You Want: Shed Your Inhibitions and Reach New Heights of Passion Together, and lectures and trains internationally on sex and relationships. www.DrTammyNelson.com

Joe Kort, PhD, LMSW, is a psychotherapist and Board Certified Sexologist who specializes in sexual identity issues, IMAGO relationship therapy, sex therapy and sexual addiction. He is the author of two books on gay male identity and relationships, Gay Affirmative Therapy for the Straight Clinician and has a chapter for female partners who are involved with men who have sex with men in Mending a
Shattered Heart. www.joekort.com

Showering with other men is a privilege

2011-01-17T23:08:00.008-05:00

Recently I posted on my Facebook page my anger at the men who are opposed to showering with openly gay men in the military. This came after reading an article on Alternet.org entitled, "Homophobic Group Argues Gay Soldiers Should Shower Apart From Straight Soldiers". I labeled these straight men as nothing more than scared, ignorant, homophobic and threatened. I regret having such a strong and narrow mindset now however I don't know that I am completely wrong and I do recognize that I was having an overreaction

Here is a direct quote from me on my wall:

This is about patriarchy where straight men feel their sexual erotocism is central and dominant and G-d forbid women and gay men share sexual power. Straighten are frightened of losing their power.

My anger reaction comes from the mindset that people believe that gay equals sex and that all gay men want to do is hump the next guy with whom he comes in contact. I remember vividly my mother telling me in the summer before 6th grade that I would be showering with other boys for gym class. As a gay child and one moving rapidly toward puberty this was overwhelmingly exciting and titillating. Imagine if heterosexual boys were suddenly told they were going to have access to the female locker room. Quickly I realized that this was not going to work out well as erections were not so easy to control and I knew that I would have them in the locker room. All I remember thinking that summer is of being humiliated and exposed as a "fag" right there for all to see me standing at attention--literally!

So, like other gay boys who are placed in situations with other males in locker rooms, I learned to look straight ahead and think of anything other than the naked males who were around me. This was stressful and I remember being full of anxiety. However, I learned to get used to it and become desensitized to the images while I was in the shower. I admit that I would go home and masturbate the images that I had seen and fantasize that anything but just showering was going on in that locker room.

Gay boys like myself learn to be appropriate and respectful in the locker room. While it is true there are some gay males who are not respectful and gawk and sexualize other men openly in the locker room, they are the minority.

That said, I have to admit that as a gay man I do see showering and changing in the locker room as a privilege that I take seriously. I know it would make people more comfortable if I said, "No there is nothing sexual about it and it is neutral for me" but it is not.

The argument that if straight men were allowed to shower with women is not a good comparison for gay men showering with other men in the military or anywhere else because we gay men have been showering with other males our whole lives whereas straight men have not been doing so with women. Gay men develop ways to cope that straight men would not have as adults suddenly thrown in with naked women.

A former college roommate and friend of mine gave me permission to post his response to me on Facebook wall here on my blog:

All joking and intolerance of heterosexuals aside, what DO we do about people who genuinely feel uncomfortable about showering with overtly gay people who might be titilated by seeing them naked? You're attitude can't seriously be, as that article suggests, "oh, those backwards bigots! Get over it!"---can it? Just because someone is uncomfortable being naked around strangers of the opposite sex (whether literally the opposite sex, or just constructively---i.e., gays) doesn't make them bigots. Are women bigots who don't want to change in front of strange men? Seriously, we should be adults and be responsive to people's sensitivities and vulnerabilities. It's not unreasonable to be uncomfortable at the possibility, let alone likelihood, of people leering lasciviously while one showers or undresses in a communal setting. And you must admit, in the general population, there WILL be people who gawk or leer. C'mon---we're men---it's what we do, a thousand times a day. If it walks, wriggles or crawls, we're looking at it coming or going, sizing it up, giving it a score, storing it in our camel-hump memory for emergency use later if necessary. Sure, changing the DADT policy won't change the ratio of hetero to homo, but the key consideration is that DADT affords an "ignorance is bliss" benefit. I can understand why, for some people, it's uncomfortable to shower in front of people who are covertly gay and, by definition, turned-on by members of your "sexual category."
Either it's "Don't Ask Don't Tell", and "ignorance is bliss," and people just go on not knowing who might be susceptible to titilation, and keep showering together, and no one is the wiser but the gays get their red meat and the "homo-phobes" (i.e., those who are uncomfortable showering with gays), get their state of denial. Or else we have "Nobody Asked But Look At Me, I'm Telling Anyway", and gays don't get court-martialed out of the service, and get to live freely, but we have separate showers because we're sensitive about people's sexual issues and vulnerabilities. But you can't have both!---can't have your cake and eat it too. i.e., you don't get the communal showers as if no one knows and its no big deal, at the same time you get to trumpet that you're gay and harbor a sexual preference for the group you're showering with!
It just doesn't seem bigoted, prejudiced, unreasonable, or backwards to me. It's just considerate, to have separate showers in such situations. I would LOVE being able to shower with the women at the gym, and pretend like it's no big deal, I'm just there to work-out, and how dare women PRESUME I'm automatically turned-on by them just because I'm heterosexual and turned-on by women as a group. But seriously---there would, in any general population of women, be some I'm leering and gawking at! And they would be completely reasonable and within their rights to require separate showering facilities, just SUSPECTING that, given the law of averages, there would be men like me out there!
I can hear the howls of protest already, at my impudence in contesting this position, or in unknowingly using some politically-incorrect words or phrases; some of your fans, I've noticed, simply have no tolerance for disparate opinions and principles, and assume those who disagree are bigoted louts. Still, I welcome all of you "educating" me, if I'm wrong on some premise or conclusion. But I do wonder---is the "gay agenda" about being treated equally, under a fair application of The Rule of Law, and about the freedom to be yourself without repercussion and blow-back (no pun intended!)? Or is it about dispensing with the cumbersome art of persuasion, and instead FORCING an expedient change in attitudes?

I cannot say I disagree with my former college roommate. I also feel that my side makes sense too. Some men are overreacting while others are not and have to struggle with this and work this through. What do you think?

'Press Release from MaleSurvivor.org'

2010-02-18T11:09:00.000-05:00

'Press Release from MaleSurvivor.org'

MaleSurvivor Conference will offer cutting edge research, best clinical techniques and advocacy strategies on male sexual abuse
International organization dedicated to preventing, healing, and overcoming sexual victimization of boys and men through education, treatment, and advocacy announces 2010 conference at John Jay College

New York, NY (February 16, 2010) – MaleSurvivor (www.MaleSurvivor.org), an international organization dedicated to issues surrounding the sexual victimization of boys and men, has announced the details of their bi-annual “Healing & Hope” international conference. The conference, whose attendees travel from all over the world to participate in workshops and seminars conducted by leading experts, will take place at the John Jay College of Criminal Justice in New York City from Thursday, March 18, 2010 through Sunday, March 21, 2010.

This year’s line-up of guest speakers and authors includes: Theoron Fleury, Olympic Gold Medalist and Stanley Cup Champion; Robert B. Oxnam, a dynamic speaker and Asia expert who has advised leaders such as Bill Gates and Warren Buffet; Joe Kort, PhD (MSW, MA), a Board Certified Sexologist specializing in sex therapy and author of “Mending a Shattered Heart”; Robert Weiss (LCSW, CSAT), Founder of the Sexual Recovery Institute and author of “Cybersex Exposed.”

Originally geared toward clinicians and behavioral health professionals, many of whom were survivors, the conference has grown to include survivors and their loved ones, attorneys, law enforcement professionals, legal advocates, researchers, educators, and students.

“The range of presentations has become exceptionally wide and includes workshops, clinical presentations, and survivor presentations about personal experiences,” remarked Dr. Richard Gartner, official spokesperson for MaleSurvivor. “Research discussions, prevention workshops, and presentations by leading experts from all fields are an integral part of what make the conference such a unique opportunity for those who attend.”

The cost to attend the 2010 International “Healing & Hope” conference ranges from $250 to $449. Members of MaleSurvivor pay a reduced rate. For more information about the conference contact Trish Massa at YTAMassa[at]aol.com.

About MaleSurvivor

Founded in 1995, MaleSurvivor (www.MaleSurvivor.org) is committed to preventing, healing, and eliminating all forms of sexual victimization of boys and men through support, treatment, research, education, advocacy, and activism. The organization offers a bi-annual international conference, several “weekend of recovery” retreats throughout the year, and web based services including a quarterly newsletter, discussion boards, chat rooms and educational materials. Memberships are available for both survivors and all who support them.

Dr. Joe's February 2010 Newsletter

2010-02-11T22:59:00.000-05:00

http://archive.constantcontact.com/fs081/1102561682612/archive/1103012532502.html

Metro Detroit sex addicts are finding help

2010-02-06T14:08:00.003-05:00

PATRICIA ANSTETT: 313-222-5021 or panstett@freepress.com

Specialists who treat sex addiction say the problem begins there, then spirals
out of control until the pursuit of sex becomes so compulsive that it can
destroy lives, pose health risks to people and their partners, and cause major
financial or legal problems

The needs keep growing

As with
any addiction, the needs grow. A sex addict spends large parts of a day or week
planning and engaging in sexual activities. It makes them take risks and do all
kinds of things they may not once have considered, including same-sex hookups
and sex in public places, putting them at risk for getting arrested and charged,
said Royal Oak sex therapist Joe Kort, who has studied with Carnes for more than
a decade.

Although therapy takes time, "it's quite treatable," Kort
said. The Woods story, he said, forces people "to look at their behaviors and
feel a sense of shame and understand, 'I could be hurting somebody. This could
happen to me if it happens to Tiger Woods.' "

For entire article click here

Woman with low sexual desire

2010-02-06T13:16:00.004-05:00

Great article about women with low sexual desire and painful intercourse in NYT

Women who want to want

MORE THAN BY any other sexual problem — the elusiveness of orgasm, say, or pain
during sex — women feel plagued by low desire. The problems often overlap, but
above all the others that can thwart an erotic life, the remoteness of lust is
what impels women to seek treatment. And as Brotto discusses the disorder, she
is not talking about something physical. She regularly wires the genitals of her
patients to a photoplethysmograph to measure whether the women respond with
surges of vaginal blood flow while they watch a pornographic video. Almost
always, they do.

Keep Betty White Up Past Her Bedtime | News | Advocate.com

2010-02-06T13:11:00.001-05:00

Keep Betty White Up Past Her Bedtime News Advocate.com

What are the benefits and dangers of pornography?

2009-06-12T00:03:00.004-04:00

Is it really as dangerous as many believe it to be? Can it be useful? Helpful? Does it degrade women and promote/tolerate sexual violence as some researchers say it does?

What about gay porn? Power imbalance does not exist in most mainstream gay porn thus eliminating the argument that all porn promotes domination and violence.

In fact, many women and even lesbians watch gay male porn because of the absence of social power imbalance. So the argument that pornography includes watching the victimization of a partner is not always true.

Is it always cheating? Can it be used to help couple's remain monogamous? Is it always addictive?

Tell me what you think here on my blog.

Amazon.com drops rankings from "adult" and "erotica" books

2009-04-12T20:19:00.004-04:00

I just learned from twitter from author, radio host and columnist Michelangelo Signorile's posting that amazon.com has dropped rankings for many LGBT books considering them "adult" and "erotica".

There is an article in the LA Times

This is an outrage! My books are all professional and written to educate people on gay issues much of which is NOT sexual.

I am noticing that books for heterosexuals are still being ranked which include sexuality such as:

Mating in Captivity by Esther Perel is still ranked by amazon.com. Is this targeting LGBT books primarily?

Even if it isn't, this isn't right. All professionally written books deserve rankings to show how well a book is doing.

It is homophobic for amazon.com to decide that a book on gay issues is sexual simply for being written by and for LGBT audiences.

What do people think????

Do You Know Your Hospital’s Hospitality?

2009-04-12T19:44:00.001-04:00

At 5:00 AM, I woke to find that Mike, my partner of 16 years, was not in bed. I heard a hard thump from upstairs, then another thump. Running to our kitchen, I found Mike on the floor, bleeding from several gashes in his head. Our kitchen drawer was open, its corner streaked with blood.

Mike—semi-conscious, mumbling—was in pain. I was in shock, scared that my partner—no, my husband!— might be seriously injured. I called 911. Everything became a blur until the EMT and police officers arrived. “Did you move him?” one officer asked sternly.

“Yes. I tried to get him onto a chair, or—”

“Never move people after they fall!” His voice rose angrily. “You could have paralyzed him!”
Now wide awake, I heard an EMT worker on his phone, saying they had “ruled out foul play.” Had they suspected Mike and I had fought and I struck him? The EMT man in charge glared at me. “We need to take him to the hospital.”

Mike, more coherent now, asked me to come in the ambulance. “Is that okay?” I asked. “Whatever! But you’re riding in the cab, not in back with him.”

Normally, if any jerk—especially a homophobe—treats me this way, I give him a piece of my mind. But Mike was now my main concern. I had to be cool. “I’ll follow behind in my car,” I told him. He nodded.

Following the ambulance, I wondered: Did Mike slip and fall? Had he suffered a stroke, a seizure, a heart attack? How would the hospital people treat me? Mike and I are not legally married in the state of Michigan.

I know friends of ours, also partners, one of whom was in a serious car accident. Worried that the hospital might deny him access to his partner, he told the staff that his partner was actually his brother! As long as the hospital believed his partner was “family,” they allowed him to be by his bedside, 24/7.

But the medics would probably tell the hospital that Mike and I weren’t brothers. That was obvious, from how I hovered over him while he lay on the kitchen floor. Too concerned to muster the energy to lie, I decided to tell the truth but play it cool.

They took Mike into Emergency. “I’m his partner,” I told the intake workers. They politely said I’d have to stay in the waiting room. Would they tell that to a spouse?
“Can’t I just be there while they admit him?”

“Standard procedure. We’ll let you know when you can see him. You can sit over there.”
Was this standard policy? Either way, I decided to stand near their desk, not letting them forget I was there.

I recalled the HBO movie If These Walls Could Talk 2. In one scene, an older lesbian is in the hospital, but her partner is not allowed to be at her side—or even told when she dies—because she is not “a relative.”

Ultimately, they let me in. Now, what about the tech staff, nurses, and doctors? Should I hold Mike’s hand, kiss his head affectionately as I would do naturally? No, I’m ashamed to admit I acted like a straight man, afraid they would kick me out. But that went against every bone in my body.

I advise my clients, therapists in training, and readers of my books not to feel pressured to deny being gay. So how could I start denying being gay now? This was different: With Mike faced with real danger, I wanted to anticipate any problems and be at his side the entire time.

Given that the staff could make me wait in the lobby, you might think I did the right thing. Yes, Mike and I each carry a card, Notice to Emergency Medical Personnel, giving each other Durable Power of Attorney. Any hospital still could deny my rights. Sure, I could sue—later. But my concern was now.

The doctors and nurses were fine with my being there, asking the right professional questions: What medications was Mike taking? Who were his doctors? I was there to tell them.

At one point, a nurse handed me a Kleenex. I was too anxious to realize I was crying. After this, I let my guard down and held Mike’s hand, telling him everything would be all right. He squeezed mine back. People watched me wiping blood off his forehead and even kiss his face to reassure him.

As it turned out, Mike’s new blood-pressure medication had been too strong. When he stood up to go to the kitchen, his blood pressure dropped so much that he passed out! And that would be the story’s main lesson if gay couples, not legally married, were sure of their rights in the hospital.

"Dude I'm Not Jewish"

2008-11-20T12:30:00.001-05:00

With all this marriage nightmare going on with Prop 8 I thought I would share with you a stand-up routine I did in June, 2008 after an 8 week class on doing comedy. Adding a bit of comedy into this dark part of the world helps me!

Keith Olbermann Special Comment: Proposition 8

2008-11-14T00:30:00.001-05:00

Many of you are aware by now about the passing of Proposition 8 in California on November 4, 2009.

According to Wikipedia:

Proposition 8 was a California State ballot proposition that amended the state Constitution to restrict the definition of marriage to a union between a man and a woman. It overrode a recent California Supreme Court decision that had recognized same-sex marriage in California as a fundamental right. The official ballot title language for Proposition 8 is "Eliminates Right of Same-Sex Couples to Marry." The entirety of the text to be added to the constitution was: "Only marriage between a man and a woman is valid or recognized in California."I found the best response to the passing of Propostion 8 to be by Keith Olbermann who did a special comment about it on his MSNBC show Countdown with Keith Olbermann.

Imago Relationship Therapy Keeping the Love You Find FREE Intro Teleclass

2008-09-28T00:07:00.004-04:00

EVENT: KTLYF Relationship Class Intro

DATE & TIME: Tuesday, September 30th at 8:00pm Eastern

FORMAT: Simulcast! (Attend via Phone or Webcast -- it's your choice)

TO ATTEND THIS EVENT, CLICK THIS LINK NOW
or go to Facebook.com

HUMOR: 1-900-FAG-HAGS

2008-09-27T00:48:00.002-04:00

Now on the Hallmark aisle: Gay marriage cards

2008-08-21T09:29:00.003-04:00

I have been waiting what seems like my whole life for this! Hallmark if finally offering cards for lesbians and gays. Read this:

Hallmark, seeing a new market after California ruling, rolls out gay marriage greeting cards

PORTLAND, Ore. (AP) -- Most states don't recognize gay marriage -- but now Hallmark does.
The nation's largest greeting card company is rolling out same-sex wedding cards -- featuring two tuxedos, overlapping hearts or intertwined flowers, with best wishes inside. "Two hearts. One promise," one says.

Hallmark added the cards after California joined Massachusetts as the only U.S. states with legal gay marriage. A handful of other states have recognized same-sex civil unions.

The language inside the cards is neutral, with no mention of wedding or marriage, making them also suitable for a commitment ceremony. Hallmark says the move is a response to consumer demand, not any political pressure.

"It's our goal to be as relevant as possible to as many people as we can," Hallmark spokeswoman Sarah Gronberg Kolell said.

Hallmark's largest competitor, American Greetings Corp., has no plans to enter the market, saying its current offerings are general enough to speak to a lot of different relationships.
Hallmark started offering "coming out" cards last year, and the four designs of same-sex marriage cards are being gradually released this summer and will be widely available by next year. No sales figures were available yet.

"When I have shopped for situations like babies or weddings for gay friends I have good luck in quirky stores," said Kathryn Hamm, president of the Web site gayweddings.com.
"But if you are just in a generic store ... the bride and groom symbol or words are in most cards," she said. "It becomes difficult to find some that are neutral but have some style."

The Williams Institute at the UCLA School of Law estimates that more than 85,000 same-sex couples in the United States have entered into a legal relationship since 1997, when Hawaii started offering some legal benefits to same-sex partners.

It estimates nearly 120,000 more couples will marry in California during the next three years -- and that means millions of potential dollars for all sorts of wedding-industry businesses.

Hallmark, known more for its Midwest mores than progressive greetings, has added a wider variety lately. It now offers cards for difficulty getting pregnant or going through rehab.
It pulled a controversial card that featured the word "queer" in the punch line after it was criticized by some customers and gay magazine The Advocate last year. At any given time, Hallmark has 200 different wedding cards on the market, including some catering to interracial or inter-religious marriages and blended families.

The Greeting Card Association, a trade group, says it does not track how many companies provide same-sex cards but believes the number is expanding.
"The fact that you have someone like Hallmark going into that niche shows it's growing and signals a trend," said Barbara Miller, a spokeswoman for the association.

Rob Fortier, an independent card maker who runs his company, Paper Words, out of New York, added same-sex wedding cards to his mix after thinking about what he would want to receive.
"A lot of people think a gay greeting card needs a rainbow on it," Fortier said. "I don't want that."

But for some time, it was difficult to even find the words for what anyone wanted to say, he said.
His first card poked fun at the challenge.

On the outside it featured lines that had been scratched out: "Congratulations on being committed!", "Congratulations on being unionized!" and, finally, "Congratulations on being domestically partnered!" The inside wished the couple congratulations on choosing to be together forever.

"It really comes down to language," he said.

John Stark, one of the three founders of Three Way Design in Boston, which makes gay-themed cards for occasions from adoption to weddings, has several new designs sketched out and ready.
But he has hesitated adding more wedding cards to his mix until after the November election, when California voters will decide a constitutional amendment that would again limit marriage to a man and a woman in the state.

"What is scary is to produce a marriage line and then November comes and it's recalled, then we have thousands of dollars of inventory waiting," he said.

The gay-friendly business can be challenging, companies said.

Hamm said although she has found many vendors willing to work with her company, some have asked to be removed from the Web site because of hate mail or some other backlash.

Hallmark says all of its stores can choose whether they want to add the latest offerings.

Joe is now on Facebook.

2008-08-17T11:36:00.001-04:00

I am now on Facebook and loving it!

Are You Two Guys Brothers? by Brian McNaught

2008-08-03T21:34:00.007-04:00

Author and sex educator Brian McNaught has been someone to whom I have looked up to throughout my gay adulthood. He is a man with integrity, passion for what he does, and a mission to teach the world about gay issues making it safer to be gay and lesbian. I have also admired his openness, honesty and genuineness as a person and gay man.

This book adds another level to all of this.

We all need someone to turn to who has been there before us to give us guidance. That is the role often of parents, grandparents and aunts and uncles. However in the gay culture we often don't have that and with this book you now do! McNaught talks about his life with his partner, his suicide attempt, his sexual life including some childhood sexual abuse, and how he managed his successes as a gay men in the 1970's and how he feels about gay life today.

We need more men like Brian McNaught who are willing to talk openly, freely and frankly about being a gay man. I first heard of Brian McNaught in 1993 when PBS was regularly running his talk, Homophobia in the Workplace.

I was mesmerized by the casual way he talked about being gay and the way he taught his beliefs to his audience. I was particularly interested in the guided imagery he used in his presentation in which he asks people to imagine the entire world to be gay but that you are straight. He walks the listener through what it would be like to be a child and for the world around you to be gay when you are straight. He takes you into your first day of high school, your first date, kiss and sexual experience with someone of the same gender.

After the guided imagery he asks people what it was like to go through the visualization to which people say, “scary”, “lonely”, “frightening”, and more. He then points out how lesbians and gays go through this very thing while growing up and calls it a form of sexual abuse. He asks folks to consider the profound trauma and abuse that would be inflicted on heterosexual young people if there were forced to date, have their first kiss and sexual experience with someone of the same gender.

This guided imagery is highly sought after particularly after I use it in my gay affirmative talks so I published it in my latest book, “Gay Affirmative Therapy for the Straight Clinician”. It can also be found in Brian McNaught’s book, Gays in the Workplace.

In his current book he admits that he was sexually abused by his father but had not been public about this lest others think he was gay because of it. On page 52 of, Are You Guys Brothers? He writes:

“As a gay man raised Catholic, I would argue that I have been sexually abused
far more effectively by Pope Benedict XVI, also known as Cardinal Joseph
Ratzinger, than I ever was by my father, and that the impact of his carefully
chosen, gratuitously hostile, erroneous, and dehumanizing words about my
sexuality have left far deeper and more significant scars than the inappropriate
touch engaged in by my father. I’d suggest that this is true for gay men and
women throughout the world. But who would dare charge the Pope with the crime of
sexual abuse?

I take McNaught’s thinking further and call it “covert cultural sexual abuse” which you can view here as well as address it throughout Gay Affirmative Therapy for the Straight Clinician.

Thank you Brian!

Queer eye for kids!

2008-07-17T22:58:00.003-04:00

I applaud the librarian in Colorado who supports keeping a book for children in the library about two gay uncles getting married! I have longed for a book to teach my niece and nephews about my marriage to my partner and finally there is a book that is about my life and not only about a gay mother or father.

An article posted on Yahoonews.com yesterday talks about a new storybook on a child's fear of losing a favorite uncle to another is challenged by a mom unhappy that the adults in question are both males.

Colo. librarian defends gay-marriage storybook
Wed Jul 16, 6:52 PM ET

A new children's book that treats a child's fear of losing a favorite
uncle's affection has been challenged by a Colorado mom unhappy that the adults
in question are both males.

"Uncle Bobby's Wedding," by Sarah Brannen
(Putnam; $15.95), was challenged this month by a Douglas County mom who wants it
removed from the county library, library director Jamie Larue wrote on his blog
Monday.

Larue, who researched the issue for his response to the parent,
said it appears to be the first formal protest of the book, which was published
in March.

In the story, Chloe the guinea pig is devastated when she
learns her Uncle Bobby plans to wed. Bobby and his fiance, also guinea pigs, win
her over by doing fun things like going to the ballet and roasting marshmallows,
until, she declares, "It's like having two uncles!" When the tuxedo-clad
critters hold their spring wedding, Chloe is the beaming flower girl.

"I
think you're right that the purpose of the book is to show a central event, the
wedding of two male characters, as no big thing," Larue wrote the apoplectic
parent.

"The emotional center of the story, of course, is Chloe's fear
that she's losing a favorite uncle to another relationship. That fear, I think,
is real enough to be an issue for a lot of young children. But yes, Sarah
Brannen clearly was trying to portray gay marriage as normal, as not nearly so
important as the changing relationship between a young person and her favorite
uncle."

To the parent's second objection, that the book is
"inappropriate" to its age group, Larue replied, "Children's books deal with
anything and everything," noting that even such horse chestnuts as "Hansel and
Gretel" handle troubling issues such as hunger and abandonment. (Barbara Wilcox,
The Advocate)

Boys Beware: 1959 film on the dangers of Homosexuals

2008-07-10T23:19:00.007-04:00

The clip is taken from a film dealing with a perceived danger to young boys: Homosexuals!

Is there any wonder after watching this why people fear gays relating to children and teenagers? These lies and myths have been perpetuated into the 1970's!

Genetics, Environment Shape Sexual Behavior

2008-06-30T13:31:00.000-04:00

MONDAY, June 30 (HealthDay News) -- Genetics and random environmental factors each play a major role in determining both gay and heterosexual behavior, say British and Swedish researchers.

This study puts cold water on any concerns that we are looking for a single 'gay gene' or a single environmental variable which could be used to 'select out' homosexuality -- the factors which influence sexual orientation are complex. And we are not simply talking about homosexuality here -- heterosexual behavior is also influenced by a mixture of genetic and environmental factors," study co-author Dr. Qazi Rahman, a leading scientist on human sexual orientation, said in a prepared statement.

Environmental factors are specific to an individual and may include biological processes such as different hormone exposure in the womb, the researchers noted.
The researchers studied more than 3,800 same-gender twin pairs, ages 20 to 47, in Sweden. The twins were asked about the total numbers of opposite sex and same sex partners they had ever had.

"Overall, genetics accounted for around 35 percent of the differences between men in homosexual behavior and other individual-specific environmental factors (that is, not societal attitudes, family or parenting which are shared be twins) accounted for around 64 percent. In other words, men become gay or straight because of different developmental pathways, not just one pathway," Rahman said.

Among the female twins, genetics explained about 18 percent of the variation in sexual orientation, non-shared environmental factors 64 percent, and family environment 16 percent.
It's important to note that heredity and shared environment had roughly the same influence in women, while shared environment had virtually no impact on men's sexual behavior, the researchers said.

The study, which was published in the journal Archives of Sexual Behavior, shows that while genetic factors are important, non-shared environmental factors are dominant in determining sexual orientation.

"This study is not without its limitations -- we used a behavioral measure of sexual orientation which might be okay to use for men (men's psychological orientation, sexual behavior, and sexual responses are highly related) but less so for women (who show a clearer separation between these elements of sexuality)," Rahman noted. "Despite this, our study provides the most unbiased estimates presented so far of genetic and non-genetic contributions to sexual orientation."

More information
The American Psychological Association has more about sexual orientation.

Warning! The new "Get Smart" movie is "disgusting".

2008-06-30T13:12:00.001-04:00

I took my nephews (between the ages of 5 and 11) to see the new Get Smart movie. It was funny and very good especially if you enjoy slapstick comedy. They kept it much the same as the original television show and I thought they did a great job.

While watching the movie there is a scene in which Maxwell Smart (played by Steve Carell) kisses another male on the lips in slow motion. During this scene a man with three children (between the ages of 14 and 8) behind us contemptuously says out loud, “Disgusting!”

I was thrown back to 1978 watching the movie Midnight Express where two naked men in a shower scene kiss each other. I was a gay 15-years-old and was excited and aroused by the scene having never viewed anything like it before. The audience shouted anti-gay slurs screaming epithets like, “gross”, “fags” and then clapped when one of the men pushed the other away. The message sent to me at that time was, “never tell a soul about your homosexual interests or people will insult you”.

Back to the movie, Get Smart, 30 years later there is at least now only one man in the audience making a shaming and negative remark about two men kissing.

I sat there angry and hurt not knowing what to do. Had I not been there with my nephews I would have turned to him said something about this homophobic statement. But I didn’t.

When we got back into my car I told my nephews that the comment made by the man behind me hurt me and angered me. My 8-year-old nephew said, “Because you are gay?” and I answered, “Yes”. He then said something very wise, “But maybe to people who are not gay it is disgusting to see two men kissing”. I responded by saying, “Maybe so but people should not say that out loud you hurt people’s feelings. I kiss Mike like that and it is not disgusting to me”. He agreed.

I was glad I said something to my nephews so they do not think that what that man said in the movie was okay. What about this man’s children and the other children in the audience? Homophobic messages of hate and contempt go into the minds and psyches of children and perpetuate anti-gay beliefs.

What would you have done about this at a movie theatre?

Lady Sitters (HUMOR)

2008-06-20T11:59:00.005-04:00

Now this is every straight guys dream when they just don't want to do what their wife wants them to! Very funny!

This was created from the Man Show

Federal Law Presents Hurdles For Gay Marriages

2008-06-19T09:49:00.004-04:00

(Joe Kort and his partner, Mike)

People misunderstand the legalization of gay marriages at the stat level and not at the federal level. An article was written at KPSP Local 2 news website does a great job explaining the differences.

By David Wohl

KPSP Local 2 Legal Analyst

As of right now same sex marriage marriage is not recognized under Federal law. Here is a look at some important differences that will affect gay couples:

Federal Income Tax laws make a sharp distinction between those involved in a traditional marriage and those in a same sex marriage. While married gay couples must file their state tax returns as married filing jointly or separately, they must file their federal income taxes as single or head of household. This can lead to more Federal taxes being paid by gay couples.

Immigration laws treat same sex couples differently as well. If an American citizen marries a foreign citizen of the same sex, the foreign citizen will not gain residency rights from the marriage, as would a spouse from a traditional marriage.

While surviving male/female spouses are entitled to a dead spouse's Social Security benefits, this is not the case with same sex couples. A deceased gay spouse's benefits could go to another relative, or could escheat to the state instead.

While a surviving straight spouse can roll over a deceased spouses individual retirement account into his or her own IRA, thereby preserving the tax benefits, a same sex spouse or domestic partner cannot. He or she must begin taking fully taxable distributions from the inherited IRA
One more difference between domestic partnerships and gay marriage. Domestic partners must live together when their partnership is established. This is not a requirement for same-sex married couples.

Inside Gay Unions on Tom Ashbrook's On Point

2008-06-18T23:05:00.003-04:00

I was interviewed by Tom Ashbrook on gay and lesbian relationships on his show "On Point" on NPR.

Inside Gay Unions Aired: Wednesday, June 18, 2008 11-12PM ET

It may be beautiful, but everybody knows marriage isn't easy.

Who pays the bills?

Who works or stays home?

Who unloads the dishwasher?

So what about gay marriage?

Gay partnerships?

Yesterday, California was ringing with gay wedding bells, on its first full day of legal gay marriage. But gay marriage is not new anymore. Civil unions and long-term gay commitments have been around even longer. So how does it work, day to day, down in the weeds, when it's not "his and hers" but "his and his" or "hers and hers"?

This hour, On Point: Gay marriage, and how it actually works.

Listen here

The R. Kelly Trial

2008-06-09T20:07:00.003-04:00

A case of discomfort
Man on video in R. Kelly trial: He did what?
By Rex W. Huppke
In the Chicago Tribune

June 8, 2008

The elephant in the room at the ongoing child pornography trial of R&B icon R. Kelly is the fact that the man shown in the amateur sex video—the prosecution's key piece of evidence—seems to take pleasure in urinating on his sex partner. Tearing away from the heinous possibility that the girl in the video may be underage, a question on the minds of many who have followed Kelly's case is: Who on earth would want to urinate on someone else, or be urinated on themselves? The question might not make for polite dinner conversation, or even a topic normally discussed in a family newspaper. But that has not stopped people from talking about it.

The act performed in the video has gained widespread notoriety in the realm of popular culture. An episode of "Sex and the City" once explored the practice. Comedian Dave Chappelle brought the issue into millions of homes in 2003 with a mock music video in which he dresses and croons likes R. Kelly, guzzling a gallon bottle of water, spraying dancers with a garden hose and singing a song titled "[I Wanna] Pee on You."

The intermingling of sex and urine—known by the euphemism "watersports"—has been around for centuries, but it still makes most people cringe.Lawyers in the Kelly case warned prospective jurors that they would have to witness "acts you've never seen before." Journalists reporting on the case have had to tiptoe gently around what is often viewed—some would argue incorrectly—as a deviant act.

Sex therapists say that while watersports are not a common practice, plenty of healthy, consenting adults engage in them for an array of reasons."There are indeed people who do it as an act of anger," said Gloria Brame, a Georgia-based licensed therapist and author of the book "Different Loving." "But there are a lot of people who think it's groovy. . . . It's a breaking of taboo."Taboo breakers, however, are rarely viewed fondly by mainstream society, and many assume people who engage in unusual sex acts suffer some form of mental disorder.

The American Psychiatric Association puts sexual fetishes under the category of paraphilia, a disorder that could involve all manner of acts that deviate from what is considered normal sexual activity. But for the disorder to be officially diagnosed in a person, the sexual act in question must result in "clinically significant" mental distress or social impairment.

Until 1973, the APA's Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Health listed homosexuality as a paraphilia. Clearly, psychiatry changes with the times."As American society gets more open about sexual practices, the APA is loath to put in a disorder category any act that's happening between two consenting adults," said William Narrow, associate director of the APA's research division.

"There has been some scientific debate as to whether these paraphilias should actually be classified as mental disorders or not."Margie Nichols, a New Jersey sex therapist and member of the American Association of Sexuality Educators, Counselors and Therapists, puts it this way: "If it's consensual between two adults, who cares? It's unusual, that's all."Many in the sexual education field are pushing for the APA to further de-pathologize non-typical sexual acts like watersports and S&M, with the caveat that they are performed between consenting adults."People are going to stigmatize sexual behavior anyway, you don't need a diagnostic manual to do that," said Russell Stambaugh, a sex therapist in Ann Arbor, Mich. "This is not a public health menace. An act doesn't constitute a mental disorder."Which is not to say the behavior lacks a psychoanalytical component.

Many believe the enjoyment of more adventurous forms of sexual activity has roots in an individual's past.

"Tell me how you were loved as a child,
and I'll tell you how you make love as an adult," said Joe
Kort, a therapist and an adjunct professor of gay and lesbian studies at Wayne
State University.

Patients who engage in watersports, Kort said, have often traced their
desires back to issues surrounding potty training. Or perhaps moments when they
wet their pants and were humiliated."Some of these moments can become so painful
to deal with, the psyche blocks it, buries it down," Kort said. "But nothing
stays locked down. It will come out somewhere and you will re-enact it until you
heal it. It's sort of like trauma turns into triumph.

The event becomes eroticized."

Then there are those, experts say, who, despite our societal norms, simply find the act of urinating sexy."It's a very intimate sort of act," said Susan Wright of the National Coalition for Sexual Freedom, an advocacy group based in Baltimore. "It's a little naughty, a little exciting, a little titillating. I think it really is considered a very innocuous sort of activity."

Rex W. Huppke is a Tribune reporter.

rhuppke@tribune.com

Is Dr. Phil Becoming Dr. Laura?

2008-06-05T08:52:00.003-04:00

Recently I discovered where television psychotherapist Dr. Phil stands on pornography. He believes that looking at porn is "never okay" and that it is "always cheating" on a partner.

WOW!

Those are strong and harsh beliefs to make a blanket statement about all pornography and those who view it. It reminds me of syndicated talk show host Dr. Laura stands on so many topics around sexuality. She has a black and white thinking about things being either right or wrong. Oh if it were so easy and simple. But it is not! We therapists teach our clients--and especially our couples--never to say the words "always" and "never" because they are seldom true. While I agree that pornography can become an addiction and not be healthy for some people, it is for many others.

Here is what Dr. Phil writes on his website:

Internet pornography is a growing trend that has many people worried about their relationships.

Is it cheating? And is it a "normal guy thing"? Here's what Dr. Phil believes:

It is not OK behavior. It is a perverse and ridiculous intrusion into your relationship. It is an insult, it is disloyal and it is cheating. Consider how it makes your partner feel. If it makes your partner feel ugly, hurt, deceived, lied to or inadequate, then it needs to stop. If it is eroding your relationship, it's gone too far. Pornography isn't real, it's a fantasy. It's makeup, beauty lenses, hair extensions, camera angles, lighting and silicone! It's also somebody's daughter who has taken a really, really wrong turn. She's demeaning herself, debasing herself, humiliating herself and she's being exploited by people who are funded by you.

It is a sick, demented, twisted world. It's not healthy, it's not natural and it's not normal. Viewing Internet pornography or engaging in cybersex is a short step to taking cheating to the next level. You need to tell your partner that viewing pornography is absolutely, unequivocally unacceptable in your relationship.

Draw a line: Your partner needs to choose between the pornography or the relationship. Ask yourself or your partner:

Would you do it with your partner standing right there?

Are you turning outside of your relationship to meet a need that should be met within the relationship?

You can't change what you don't acknowledge, so find out if you or your partner have a problem.

Do you justify the behavior by saying, "It's harmless," "Everyone does it," or "It's just the Internet"?

Does it intrude on your relationship? Which is more important: pornography or your relationship?

I completely disagree with Dr. Phil's position.

Here are my responses to his questions:

Would you do it with your partner standing right there?

Some people would and, in fact, I have advised some couples (both gay, lesbian and straight) to do so. It can enhance intimacy in couples. Also there are many instances where individuals don't want their partners to see their porn. It is private and personal. Partners sometimes need to have this outlet. It has nothing to do with their significant others. It is not cheating and does not mean that the person viewing the porn is going to set out to make the scenerio happen. That said, there are many people who have significant shame about looking at pornography and the content of what they are looking at. I think this might be what Dr. Phil is addressing. Even so, every person needs to have their own separate sexual fantasies and desires that may not involve their significant other.

Are you turning outside of your relationship to meet a need that should be met within the relationship?

You can't change what you don't acknowledge, so find out if you or your partner have a problem.This can be about anything--not just pornography. With any behaviors that are excessive or are interfering with your relationship, you must ask yourself this question. I do think that partners benefit from talking about their sexual interests and not hiding the fact that they might enjoy pornography. It is the hiding and secrecy that is usually the problem, not the pornography in and of itself.

Do you justify the behavior by saying, "It's harmless," "Everyone does it," or "It's just the Internet"?

For many folks, it is harmless and it is just the internet. I have had clients over the years tell me that they enjoy certain fantasies that their partner will not--or cannot meet. For example, one straight male client of mine enjoyed extremely muscular women who entered muscle building contests. His wife, a petite woman, did not visually fit this image. So periodically he enjoyed looking at images of these muscular women online and it offered him an outlet for his interest without his going out of his marriage.

Does it intrude on your relationship?

This is a great question and should be asked to one's self by all. I have many clients for which the use of pornography does intrude on a relationship. But the reasons vary. Some partners are threatened by the use of pornography by a spouse. The question here is "why are they threatened?" It isn't always because their partner is abusing porn. It may very well be their own insecurities being raised by their partners viewing images that they cannot match. This is more of an issue that the non-pornography using partner has than the one viewing the sexual material. Couples need to communicate openly their feelings about pornography use within their marriage. The worst is to keep it a secret or to pretend it is not a problem if one or both have a problem with it. However to assume that the use of pornography alone is the only issue is narrow focused and as harmful as pretending it is never a problem at all.Which is more important: pornography or your relationship? For some, it is both. There is nothing wrong with that. For others it is one or the other which, of course presents a problem.

If you do have a problem with pornography I recommend an excellent new book, "The Porn Trap" By Wendy and Larry Maltz.

Workshop for Gay & Bisexual Men June 21-22, 2008

2008-05-26T11:25:00.004-04:00

A WORKSHOP FOR GAY & Bisexual MEN:

JUNE 21-22, 2008

Reclaiming the Man in the Mirror
A workshop for Gay men on Sex, Love and Intimacy

Based on the book 10 Smart Things Gay Men Can Do to Find Real Love

Click here to register.

Click here to listen to the podcast about the workshop

We live in a sexually illiterate society. There is little to no permission to
examine openly our sexuality in terms of orientation, behavior and fantasies.
Most people, gay and straight alike, do not know if their sexual fantasies
and/or sexual acts are healthy versus unhealthy. While gay men are more inclined
to act out their sexual desires and fantasies more openly than their
heterosexual counterparts, there still lies confusion as to what is positive and
self-affirming and what is not.

There is also confusion about what is
sex, what is love and what is intimacy. This workshop will explore the
definitions of each of these and how to integrate them all together for gay men.
Much of our culture as gay men, as well as for our heterosexual counterparts,
are confused about how to make this integration. There is also confusion about
how to have healthy sex, love and intimacy without having to have all of them
combined. This workshop will help clarify all of this.

How do you define
sex?

What is healthy versus unhealthy sex?

Do you understand the
secret logic of your sexual fantasies?

What is your sexual shadow?

Are you sexually addicted, compulsive or just have a large sexual
appetite?

Do you carry sexual shame?

How do you feel about your
body?

Do you want to improve your sex life?

Are you getting the
love you want in your relationship?

Are you keeping the love you find
when you think you found Mr. Right?

What is your definition of love?

What is your definition of intimacy?

The goal of this workshop
is to learn more about yourself as a gay man, develop tools and practices to
live in integrity and be accountable, and to be able to identify your needs and
communicate them effectively without your reactive mind getting in your way. It
will also help you to develop strong relationships (both intimate and
non-intimate).

These are just some of the questions we will be examining
at the upcoming workshop. The workshop will include guided imagery, experiential
exercises, communication exercises and lectures.

We will explore sexual
behavior and fantasies with understanding, compassion, and without judgment.

This workshop is based on the article from the magazine, “In The Family”, The Men In The Mirror: Understanding Gay Men and Their Porn, Summer, 2002 by Joe Kort.

For more information regarding workshops, contact Joe at (248) 399-7317 or joekort@joekort.com

Young Gay Rites

2008-05-25T22:57:00.000-04:00

April 27, 2008

Young Gay Rites

By BENOIT DENIZET-LEWIS

LAST NOVEMBER IN BOSTON, Joshua Janson, a slender and boyish 25-year-old, invited me to an impromptu gathering at the apartment he shares with Benjamin McGuire, his considerably more staid husband of the same age. It was a cozy, festive affair, complete with some 20 guests and a large sushi spread where you might have expected the chips and salsa to be.

“I beg of you — please eat a tuna roll!” Joshua barked, circulating around the spacious apartment in a blue blazer, slim-fitting corduroys and a pair of royal blue house slippers with his initials. “The fish is not going to eat itself!”

Spotting me alone by a window seat decorated with Tibetan pillows, Joshua, who by that point had a few drinks in him, grabbed my arm and led me toward a handful of young men huddled around an antique Asian “lion’s head” chair. “Are you single? Have you met the gays?” Joshua asked, depositing me among them before embarking on a halfhearted search for the couple’s dog, Bernard, who, last I saw him, was eyeing an eel roll left carelessly at dog level. (At the other end of the living room, past a marble fireplace, the straights — in this case, young associates from the Boston law firm Benjamin had recently joined — were debating the best local restaurants.)

As the night went on, the gays and the straights — fueled, I suspect, by a shared appreciation for liquor — began to mingle, and before long the party coalesced into a boisterous celebration. Joshua looked delighted. And in a rare moment of repose, he sidled up to his taller, auburn-haired mate.

“Honey,” Joshua said, “we may be married, but we still know how to have a good time, don’t we?”

Benjamin, sharply outfitted in green corduroys and an argyle sweater over a striped dress shirt, smiled. “Josh is extremely social, and he keeps us busy all the time,” he told me. “I think we may be proof that opposites do attract.”

“If it were up to him,” Joshua said, “we’d barely leave the house! We’re actually a terrific team. He calms me down, and I get him out at night. I’ll say: ‘Honey, this is what we’re doing. Now put this on.’ ”

“I think a lot of straight married couples start hibernating at home once they get married,” Benjamin said.

Joshua kissed Benjamin on the cheek. “No, honey, that’s just your parents.”

“No, that’s a lot of people,” Benjamin insisted. “I think. . . .”

“And I love your parents to death,” Joshua interrupted, “but it scared me senseless to think that if anything were to happen, if you ended up in the hospital, your mother would get to make the decisions.” Joshua looked at me with a devilish grin. “I dare her to try! I’d say, ‘Woman, get away from my man!’ I’m 24, I’ve been with Ben for a long time and we’ve been married for three years. I think I’ve earned the right — the responsibility — that comes with that.”

Benjamin chuckled. “You’re 25.”

“Oh, God,” Joshua said, looking as if he’d just been sucker-punched. “I keep forgetting that I’m 25. I think I’m probably having some issues around that number. Am I desperately trying to hold onto my youth?” He grabbed Ben’s arm. “Honey, am I a gay cliché?”

Benjamin shook his head. “You can’t be a gay cliché when you get married to a man at 22.”

JOSHUA AND BENJAMIN had each only recently come out of the closet — and certainly didn’t have marriage in mind — when they became friends seven years ago during Benjamin’s freshman year at Brown University.

Benjamin first realized his attraction to men his senior year of high school, but at Brown he tried to put it out of his mind. He flirted with female students and played beer pong with his straight friends. When that became too tedious to bear, he slowly began coming out to friends. Soon he was dating other male students.

Joshua, who was a freshman at Curry College, about 40 miles north of Brown, had also recently acknowledged to himself that he was gay. But unlike Benjamin, he had long experimented sexually with boys. In high school, he was a gregarious presence who was beloved — and protected — by the school’s popular girls. While many students assumed he was gay, Joshua insists he was “the last to know” about his orientation, even though he spent an hour or two each night in AOL gay chat rooms and, he says, occasionally had furtive sex with members of his high school’s football team.

Joshua broke through his denial before graduation, but he was in no mood to settle down with Benjamin when they fooled around their freshman year of college. “I was like, ‘Well, that was fun, but I’m going to the gay club to find someone to do that with again!’ ” Joshua said.

“And I was like, ‘Well, we had sex, so I guess we’re dating now,’ ” Benjamin recalled.

Before long, Benjamin’s persistence paid off: Joshua moved into his dorm room. “It was all very lesbianish of us,” Joshua told me. “It happened pretty quickly, and we did everything but rent a U-Haul.”

(Joshua was referencing a longstanding joke —What does a lesbian bring on a second date? A U-Haul! — that is supposed to satirize the way some lesbians rush into cohabitation. The joke is sometimes paired with a second one about gay men rushing into bed: What does a gay man bring on a second date? What second date?)

Joshua and Benjamin were deeply committed to each other by the time Benjamin graduated from Brown in May 2004, the same month that Massachusetts began issuing marriage licenses to gay and lesbian couples. Marrying “seemed obvious and inevitable,” Benjamin told me, because he and Joshua had no doubt that they would spend the rest of their lives together. “It seemed silly,” he said, “not to get married when we were fortunate enough to live in the only state where we could.” (Vermont, Connecticut, New Hampshire and New Jersey have legalized civil unions for same-sex couples, while Maine, Hawaii, Oregon, Washington, California and the District of Columbia allow domestic partnerships. More than 40 states prohibit recognition of same-sex marriages from Massachusetts.)

Both of their families were supportive. “My parents didn’t have a problem with me marrying a guy,” Benjamin said. “Their only question was, ‘Aren’t you a little too young to be doing this?’ ”

“Oh, my parents said the same thing,” Joshua huffed. “But you know what I told the parental units? I said, ‘I don’t want to hear it, because at our age you were married and pregnant with us.’ That shut everyone right up, and soon enough our parents were fighting over who would get to pay for the wedding!”

IN 2004, when I was 28, CNN asked me to gather together a group of my Boston friends in their 20s for a short segment about gay marriage. The network wanted to know what young gay men in Massachusetts thought about our newfound right.

For nearly an hour, seven of us — five working professionals in our 20s and two college undergraduates — sat in a coffee shop and talked theoretically about what a young gay marriage might entail. In the end, most of us agreed that we would like to be married — just not yet. We still had a lot of living, and growing up, to do. While many of our heterosexual peers undoubtedly did as well, we were immune from the pressure some of them felt to marry. No one — not our friends, not our families, not the gay community — expected us to wed.

For the next few years, I didn’t give young gay marriage much thought. While thousands of gay men and lesbians in their 30s, 40s or 50s married in Massachusetts, none of us at the table that night did, even as several of us inched into our 30s. I assumed that marriage — what the gay playwright Terrence McNally recently called “the final civil right; the right to love as anyone else loves” — was a right appreciated only in gay middle age.

But then something strange happened. During a 10-day span last August and September, two friends of mine — Brandon Andrew, who was then 25, and Marc Brent, who was 24 — announced their respective engagements. Brandon called from his apartment in Boston to deliver the news. “You’re not going to believe this!” he told me, pausing for dramatic effect. “I’m engaged!”

He was right. It was hard to believe. Not only was the prospect of two Brandons marrying each other surreal (his boyfriend, who was then 24, is named Brandon Lehr), but Brandon A. didn’t strike me as the marrying type. Not at this point in his life, anyway. An outgoing, freethinking art student in his last year at the School of the Museum of Fine Arts in Boston, he seemed far too busy DJ’ing at eclectic dance parties and breaking into construction sites for his installation art projects to worry about marriage.

Marc, a dental-office manager who still lived at home with his parents in a Boston suburb, didn’t call to tell me about his engagement. I learned about it instead on Facebook, when, with little fanfare, he changed the relationship status on his profile from “In a Relationship” to “Engaged.” He had been dating his fiancé, Vassili Shields, who was then 23, for a year.

“Are you actually engaged,” I called to ask Marc, “or is that just your way of saying you really like Vassili?” He replied that he was, in fact, engaged. They planned to marry in a few months.

I didn’t know what to make of these engagements — or of my subsequent discovery that more than 700 gay men 29 or younger had married in Massachusetts through last June, the latest date for which numbers are available. On the one hand, I wondered why these guys were marrying so young. What was the rush? It seemed to me that one of the few advantages of being young gay men — until gay marriage was legalized in Massachusetts, at least — was that we were institutionally protected from ever appearing on “Divorce Court.”

But I could also relate to young gay men yearning for companionship and emotional security. Had gay marriage been an option when I was 23 and recently out of the closet, I might very well have proposed to my first gay love. Like many gay men my age and older, I grew up believing that gay men in a happy long-term relationship was an oxymoron. (I entered high school in 1989, before gay teenagers started taking their boyfriends to the prom.) If I was lucky enough to find love, I thought, I’d better hold onto it. And part of me tried, but a bigger part of me wanted to pitch a tent in my favorite gay bar. I wasn’t alone. Everywhere I looked, gay men in their 20s — or, if they hadn’t come out until later, their 30s, 40s and 50s — seemed to be eschewing commitment in favor of the excitement promised by unabashedly sexualized urban gay communities. There was a reason, of course, why so many gay men my age and older seemed intent on living a protracted adolescence: We had been cheated of our actual adolescence. While most of our heterosexual peers had experienced, in their teens, socialization around courtship, dating and sexuality, many of us had grown up closeted and fearful, “our most precious and tender feelings rarely validated or reflected back to us by our families and communities,” as Alan Downs, the author of “The Velvet Rage: Overcoming the Pain of Growing Up Gay in a Straight Man’s World,” puts it. When we managed to express our sexuality, the experience often came booby-trapped with secrecy, manipulation or debilitating shame.

No wonder, then, that in our 20s so many of us moved to big-city gay neighborhoods and aggressively went about trying to make up for lost time. And no wonder that some of us — myself included — occasionally went overboard.

“The expectation for many years was that if you did any dating in your 20s, they were essentially ‘practice relationships’ where you did what heterosexual kids get to do in junior high, high school and college,” says Jeffrey Chernin, a Los Angeles psychotherapist and the author of “Get Closer: A Gay Men’s Guide to Intimacy and Relationships.” “But for many gay men, your 20s were about meeting a lot of different people, going out to bars with your friends and having a lot of sex. That has long been considered a rite of passage in the gay community.”

But young gay men today are coming of age in a different time from the baby-boom generation of gays and lesbians who fashioned modern gay culture in this country — or even from me, a gay man in his early 30s. While being a gay teenager today can still be difficult and potentially dangerous (particularly for those who live in noncosmopolitan areas or are considered effeminate), gay teenagers are coming out earlier and are increasingly able to experience their gay adolescence. That, in turn, has made them more likely to feel normal. Many young gay men don’t see themselves as all that different from their heterosexual peers, and many profess to want what they’ve long seen espoused by mainstream American culture: a long-term relationship and the chance to start a family.

“For many young gay men today, settling down in a relationship in their 20s — or getting married if they live in Massachusetts — will feel like a very natural thing to do,” says Joe Kort, a psychotherapist and the author “10 Smart Things Gay Men Can Do to Improve Their Lives.”

But with no model for how to build a young gay marriage, I was curious about how gay men in their 20s would choose to construct and maintain their unions. What would their marriages look like? And would the expectation of monogamy, a longstanding cornerstone of heterosexual marriage, be a requirement for their marriages as well?

To find out, I spent time over the next few months with a handful of young married and engaged gay couples — including Joshua and Benjamin. All were college-educated and white. (A 2008 study of gay and lesbian couples in Vermont, California and Massachusetts — three states that offer some form of legal recognition for gay couples — found that “couples who choose to legalize their same-sex relationships . . . are overwhelmingly European American.”)

Although more than twice as many lesbians 29 and younger have married in Massachusetts than have gay men of that age, I chose to focus on the latter. The dynamics of lesbian and gay male relationships are often different. “Women — straight or gay — tend to want to settle down years before men do,” says Dan Savage, a sex-advice columnist and the author of “The Commitment,” about the same-sex marriage debate and his decision to marry his long-term boyfriend. Gary Gates, a demographer, who studies gay and lesbian population trends, adds that “lesbians are more likely to be partnered than gay men, tend to cohabitate quicker and are more likely to have children — which is a motivator to get married.” But what, I wondered, was motivating the first generation of young gay married men?

On a weeknight in October, I sat down with Marc and Vassili at the restaurant where Vassili used to work as a waiter. He recently told his former co-workers about the engagement, and two waitresses kept coming over to our table to congratulate the couple. Tall and boyish, with big lips and soft, round features, Vassili beamed with joy and scooted his chair closer to his preppy, dark-haired fiancé.

They met a year before in this restaurant. “I thought he was cute the first night he came in with his friends,” Vassili recalled, “but he had one of them climb through the window of the restaurant, instead of walking around and in the front door. So I yelled at him.”

“And I’m ridiculously stubborn,” Marc said, “so I wasn’t about to apologize. For the next month, it was basically a series of dirty looks the times I went in there.”

Vassili eventually broke down and asked Marc on a date to the aquarium. Other dates followed, and nearly a year later, while hanging out at Fritz, a gay sports bar, they decided to become engaged. As Vassili explained it, they considered themselves best friends and planned to be together forever. “So, why not get married?” he said. “I always knew I wanted to spend my life with one person. And I know I’ve found him.” Besides, they both want to be young dads. They plan to adopt before they turn 30. (Most of the couples I spent time with for this story said they eventually want children.)

There was no formal exchange of rings to commemorate the engagement, no romantic dinner followed by either of them on bended knee. They also didn’t plan on having a wedding ceremony. When I asked them why, they insisted that such formalities were unnecessary. “We don’t think there is any set way we have to do this,” Vassili told me. “We’re not following anyone’s model for how an engagement or marriage should go.”

That philosophy also applied, they said, to when they would break the news of their engagement to their families. Vassili said he wasn’t sure how his parents would react. “They know that Marc is my boyfriend, but my gayness is not something we ever really talk about,” he told me. “My guess is my parents would want to be at any ceremony we have, but I don’t know.”

Marc said he had no doubt that his own parents would be supportive. “My mom knows and loves Vassili, and one time she asked, ‘Why don’t you guys just get married?’ ” he said. “And I was like, ‘Well, maybe we will!’ But sometimes I wonder if they would be as excited, or as supportive, about me marrying a guy as they would be if I was marrying a girl. But I’m going to tell my parents soon. I just want to have everything planned out first.”

By that, Marc meant that he wanted to know the specifics of when he and Vassili would move in together before announcing to his family that they were going to marry. Both men were living at home with their parents (Vassili had recently moved back to save money).

I asked Marc and Vassili if it was wise for any couple to become engaged before testing their domestic compatibility. Why not live together for a year? The couple deflected the question with a you-must-not-really-understand-the-power-of-our-love look common to so many lovesick young couples. “We just know we’ll be fine,” Vassili told me, rubbing Marc’s back. “We love each other, and that’s all that matters.”

“We know we’re compatible,” Marc said. “We’ve thought a lot about household roles. I’m going to clean, and Vassili is going to cook.”

“I like doing laundry and ironing,” Vassili told me. “He likes yardwork.”

“I don’t think either one of us is really going to be the wife, per se,” Marc said.

Still, they insisted they would be “traditional” in one important way: they vowed to be monogamous. “I know that some gay couples who’ve been together awhile open up their relationships,” Marc said, “but we’re not going to do that. I mean, we wouldn’t be getting married if we didn’t plan on being monogamous. To me, that’s a fundamental and important part of marriage.”

It is for many young gay couples. Frederick Hertz, an attorney and mediator who co-wrote the book “A Legal Guide for Lesbian and Gay Couples” and who has helped gay couples of all ages negotiate prenuptial agreements, told me that young gay men get the most impassioned when talk turns to monogamy. “A very common thing I hear them say in my office is, ‘If he has an affair, he’s not getting any alimony!’ ” Hertz said. “That’s just not something I hear among older gay men, who often make a distinction between emotional fidelity and sexual fidelity. There’s an emerging rhetoric around monogamy among young gay couples. In that way, they’re a lot more like married heterosexual couples than they are like older gay couples.”

I SPENT THE FOLLOWING DAY with the Brandons. They met a year before on MySpace, although this was a source of some embarrassment for the couple, who instead told friends they’d met “at a concert.” “I saw his MySpace profile and sort of e-mailed him as a joke,” Brandon A. told me inside the spacious, sun-filled Boston apartment he shares with his fiancé and another roommate. “I was like: ‘We’re both named Brandon. We’re both skinny white boys from California. We’re both gay. We both listen to indie rock. You must be my Doppelgänger. We have to hang out.’ ”

Like Marc and Vassili, the Brandons said they planned to pick and choose what elements of “traditional heteronormative married culture,” as Brandon A. put it, to appropriate. (He loves using words like “heteronormative.”) But the Brandons had different ideas from Marc and Vassili about what appealed to them about “traditional” marriage.

For one thing, the Brandons eagerly told their families about the engagement and planned to incorporate them into their married lives. Their parents responded, in turn, with great enthusiasm. Brandon A.’s mother proudly accompanied her son and his fiancé to a monthly “queer” night at a Boston club (I was there, too, and couldn’t quite get over the sight of mother and son on the dance floor), while Brandon L.’s mom, whom I met briefly at the couple’s apartment, demanded to know the couple’s “song.”

“This is so weird,” Brandon A. told me at the time. “I feel like I’m doing girl talk with my future mother-in-law!”

The young men’s mothers were delighted to learn the details of how Brandon L., a Ph.D. candidate at M.I.T., had proposed — after a romantic dinner, on bended knee, by a roaring fire, their “song” (“This Modern Love,” covered by Final Fantasy) playing on the stereo.

“I even got him a ring,” Brandon L. told me “It was made of titanium,” Brandon A. said, laughing. “He knew I would probably break or lose anything else.”

The Brandons agreed that they would wait a year or two before marrying; they wanted to finish school before having a formal wedding ceremony. Unlike Marc and Vassili, the Brandons said a wedding ceremony was important — not as a “political statement” or “to get approval from anyone,” but as a way to communicate their love to each other.

“Ever since I was 19 or 20, I knew that I would want to give myself over to one person in a formal way,” said Brandon A., who had been in two previous gay relationships lasting more than a year before meeting Brandon L. “And it didn’t even really matter to me if the politics of the world were going to bend in my favor so that my marriage was considered legal. Legal or not, I was going to have a commitment ceremony in front of the people who matter to me. I’ve always been oddly traditional about that.”

But the Brandons suspected they were untraditional when it came to their thinking about monogamy. As they saw it, one enduring lesson of heterosexual marriage is that lifelong monogamy is unrealistic for most people — especially men. “Most straight people like to talk a great game about monogamy,” Brandon A. said. “But what are they actually doing? Many of them have affairs at some point or break up because they want to sleep with somebody else. We’re two guys, we’re in our 20s, we haven’t been sexual with that many people, and to pretend like we’re never going to want to experience sex with another person until the day we die doesn’t make sense to us. We’re open to exploring our sexuality together in a way that makes us both comfortable.”

Negotiating questions surrounding monogamy was a critical issue for most of the young married and engaged couples I spent time with. But so, too, was the larger question of how they would fashion their social lives.

Several couples lamented the fact that they had never met another young gay married couple. This left them without a model to help them shape or understand their own relationship, and it seemingly left them without anyone who could relate to their unique circumstance.

“I sort of feel like we’re on this island out here by ourselves,” said Anthony Levin, a 26-year-old account executive in Boston who met his husband, 23-year-old Daniel Levin, while both were undergraduates at the University of Minnesota. (They legally married in August 2006 after moving to Boston, where Daniel was starting law school; Anthony took Daniel’s last name. They were the only couple I spoke with in which one man took the other’s name.) “That’s probably the biggest difference between us and straight married couples,” he continued. “They see other married people like them everywhere. We don’t. It would be great to have young gay married couples who we could hang out with.”

“I actually met one the other day,” Daniel, who sat by Anthony on the couch in their apartment in Brookline, said matter-of-factly.

“You did?!” Anthony said, nearly spilling his glass of wine. “Did you get their number?”

Daniel hadn’t. This momentarily crushed Anthony, who seemed to yearn to interact with other gay people — single or married — more than Daniel did. (Anthony joined Boston’s gay flag-football league the previous fall, partly in an effort to meet other gay people.)

Other couples, like Joshua and Benjamin, had an abundance of gay friends of all ages and clearly reveled in having their cake (marriage) and eating it too (a social life that rivaled that of many of their young single gay friends). It was hard to keep track of the many social engagements the couple invited me to. There was a fancy Oscar party. There were many dinner parties, including one attended by their friend David Cicilline, the openly gay mayor of Providence.

And there were nights out at gay bars. “No one assumes we’re married when we’re out at a club with our friends,” Joshua said. “Maybe it’s because I look like I’m 12, but people see my wedding ring and are like: ‘What? Is that a fashion statement?’ They just hit on us anyway, which, really, is kind of fun. I’ll flirt right back, and I’ll say to Ben, ‘Oh, look at the butt on that one!’ ”

For Joshua and Benjamin (and for several of the couples I spent time with), there is no use pretending they aren’t attracted to other people. “I think it’s healthy that we don’t have to lie about that like so many straight couples do,” Joshua said. “We’re also two gay guys in the couple, so we’re attracted to the same gender. We can both appreciate a hot guy walking down the street.”

But not all of the couples I spoke with were so open about men they noticed. “Pointing out a cute guy wouldn’t fly with us,” Anthony Levin said. Fortunately for him, Daniel has never had much of a wandering eye. “Flirting with guys, or trying to get attention from random guys, has honestly never appealed to me,” Daniel told me. “I don’t know why, but it’s just not the way I’m built. It came as no surprise to people who knew me well that I would be the type to settle down in a relationship. And I’ve never been attracted to some of the drama that I’ve seen in the gay community.”

WHEN I FIRST LEARNED that some young gay men were marrying in Massachusetts, I wondered if their marriages might be a repudiation of the gay world fashioned by previous generations of men — men who reacted to oppression and homophobia in the ’70s and ’80s by rejecting heterosexual norms and “values,” particularly around sex and relationships. Many older gay men would have scoffed at the idea of marrying and having kids. To many of them, their “family” was their network of close gay friends.

But most of the young married men I spent time with insisted their marriages weren’t a “reaction” to anything. They valued their connection to modern gay culture, and they weren’t interested in choosing between being a married man and a young gay man. They could be both, and they could make it work.

Still, it wasn’t always easy. “Joshua and I have had to do a lot of work around learning to communicate to each other what’s O.K. and what makes each of us uncomfortable,” Benjamin told me, adding that they have attended a couples’ counselor. “I think that maybe we assumed that because we’re two men, that we would think the same way about things or know where the other was coming from. But the way we communicate is so different, so that’s a challenge.”

Jeffrey Chernin, the psychotherapist, who works with both gay and straight couples, told me that gay couples tend to open up in therapy with less prompting. “Many of them are already used to talking honestly and openly about many issues,” he said, “because there is no assumed model for how their marriage should function. Everything is on the table to be negotiated. Nothing is taken for granted. Everything is talked about — from monogamy, to power dynamics, to domestic responsibilities.”

Most of the couples insisted they shared those responsibilities in “an egalitarian way.” While Joshua occasionally referred to himself as a “gay housewife,” other young gay married men bristled at the notion that they would fashion their domestic lives around heterosexual stereotypes.

“It never ceases to amaze me how many people will say to us, ‘So, who’s the woman, and who’s the man, in your marriage?’ ” says Jason Shumaker, who lives in a Boston suburb with his husband, Paul McLoughlin II, who is an assistant dean at Harvard. They met eight years ago when they were 25, and they legally married at 29 (registering to wed on the first day gay couples could do so in Massachusetts). “I just think that’s the dumbest question ever,” he added. “Yes, we’re married, but we’re also two guys, so neither one of us has to be ‘the woman.’ ” (And “with no ovaries drying up,” as Paul put it, they don’t need to rush into having children. They plan to adopt in the next five years, once Paul finishes his Ph.D. in higher-education administration at Boston College.)

During a break from opening the door to trick-or-treaters at their home last Halloween, Jason and Paul — who wore matching lizard outfits — told me about the T-shirts they’d donned at the end of their reception. The front of Paul’s shirt read, “I Am the Husband,” while the back read, “I Am the Wife.” (Jason’s shirt had the opposite emblazoned on each side.) “It was fun to make a little bit of a social statement and poke fun at the idea that we would fit neatly into these heterosexual roles,” Jason said.

AFTER A FEW MONTHS of barely hearing from Marc and Vassili, I was starting to worry: could they be having premarriage trouble? (I knew the Brandons were fine. They regularly posted pictures of themselves together on their Facebook profiles and had even started a Facebook group, appropriately called “The Brandons.”) When I finally did hear from Marc and Vassili in February, they had good news. They had filled out the requisite forms at City Hall and were just waiting the three state-mandated days before collecting their marriage license. In the meantime, they were celebrating by luxuriating for a night at an upscale Boston hotel. They invited me to drop by.

When I did, I saw dozens of rose petals in the bathtub. Apparently, while they had been enjoying hourlong massages and a full-course meal, Vassili had arranged to have the hotel staff festoon the room with the petals.

“What are those doing in the bathtub?” I asked the couple.

“He moved them there,” Vassili told me, rolling his eyes. “He’s not very romantic, and he got embarrassed that you would see them.”

“Yeah, yeah, I’m the bad guy,” Marc said with a laugh.

A few minutes later, I asked the couple how their parents had reacted to the news that they would soon be married. Silence filled the room. “You still haven’t told your parents?”

They offered many justifications, everything from “we haven’t found an apartment yet” to “marriages become a dog-and-pony show when parents and families get involved.” But in Marc’s case, I really couldn’t understand what the problem was. He had told me many times that his parents loved Vassili and that they would be supportive of the marriage. What was going on?

“I know my parents will be fine with it, but I want to do this myself,” Marc told me. “If I tell my parents, they’ll just want to get involved, and that will annoy me. I hate when people try to tell me how I should do something.”

Vassili nodded and repeated something I heard the couple tell me many times. “There’s nothing conventional about gay marriage,” he said, “so I don’t feel like we need to do this in a certain accepted way.”

Marc, who had been leaning back on a sofa, suddenly sat up in protest. “Hold on,” he said. “I think it’s conventional. Why do you say it’s not conventional?”

“I mean, there are more complications because we’re gay,” Vassili told him. “But the most important thing is that we love each other. We don’t need to have a big fancy wedding to prove anything to anyone.”

“I hear you,” Marc said, “but I think we’re kidding ourselves if we say that we absolutely wouldn’t want a ceremony where our families and friends were there and totally on board. I’m not going to lie. It would be nice.”

I had never heard Marc talk this way. Neither, apparently, had Vassili, who seemed perplexed by the sudden change to the couple’s longtime narrative, which they had used to justify not telling their parents and not having a wedding ceremony. “You would hate that,” Vassili insisted. “Wouldn’t you? You wouldn’t get up in front of everyone and give vows.”

“Maybe,” Marc said, “but it would still be nice to have the option. And I’d still like to have a party. It would be cool to get the coffee machine, the blender, all the stuff that straight couples get when they start their marriages.”

IN 2004, MTV broadcast a documentary chronicling the lives of two gay couples — one male, one female — as they prepared to marry in Massachusetts. The male couple, Aaron Pike Shainwald and Stephen Schonberg, were both 22 when America watched them become the 44th same-sex couple to wed in the state.

Aaron and Stephen met two years before at Axis, a Boston nightclub (since closed) with a popular weekly gay night. Their first date lasted “three days,” Aaron told me, and nine months later they moved in together. They were both still college students at the time (Aaron at Brandeis, Stephen at Boston University), but as their relationship deepened, they were equally eager to formalize it. “We both wanted to get married and commit our lives to each other,” Aaron said. (Stephen declined to be interviewed for this article.)

A year and a half into the marriage, though, Aaron said they started growing apart. They went to couples’ therapy for a year, but soon Stephen asked for a divorce. “We really, really worked hard to save the marriage,” Aaron told me, “but he decided to move on. And it’s hard not to feel like a complete failure sometimes. People who saw the show still stop me on the street and ask how the marriage is going. Most of the time I just lie and say: ‘Great! Wonderful!’ Let me tell you, being 26 and gay and already divorced is soooo much fun.”

I met up with Aaron at Joshua and Benjamin’s house party in November. He arrived with his new boyfriend, an affable 50-year-old (“I’m done with the young ones!” Aaron joked) who also happened to be divorced. “But I suppose I went the more conventional route,” Aaron’s boyfriend told me. “I was married to a woman.” (As he spoke, I couldn’t help thinking of what Jason Stuart, a gay comic, once said: “Come on straight people . . . if you let us marry each other, we will stop marrying you!”)

Aaron lamented that he didn’t know any other young gay divorced men, so he seemed delighted when I called a few months later to tell him about George — 26, gay and recently divorced from his husband. (He asked that his first and last name not be used to protect his privacy; George is his middle name.) I suggested to George that he, Aaron and I meet to talk.

At a Boston coffee shop, Aaron and George bonded over their unique experience — “I thought I was the only one.” “Me too!” — and apologized for having a negative impact on Massachusetts’ divorce rate, which is one of the lowest in the nation. (The state doesn’t yet have divorce statistics for gay and lesbian couples. Though I’m not sure the numbers would tell us much. Many of the first wave of same-sex marriages involved couples who had been together for 10, 20 or even 30 years, presumably making them less likely to divorce than heterosexual couples who hadn’t been together as long before marrying.)

“The ironic thing is that I really don’t believe in divorce,” George told us at the coffee shop. Tall and handsome, with dark hair and angular features, he sat by a corner window and was still dressed in his work clothes — black dress pants and a dark blue vest over a light blue dress shirt. “I was raised Catholic, went to Catholic school, and my parents stuck it out. I tried my best to make my marriage work, but we both decided it couldn’t be saved.”

George was still struggling to understand where his marriage went wrong. He met his ex four years ago, when George was 22 and living what he called “a carefree postcollege life” in Northern California. George said he wasn’t looking for a serious relationship, but he fell in love with his ex (who was several years older) after meeting him through mutual friends.

“At the time I was thinking, Wow, I really wish I had met you eight years from now,” George recalled. “But I met him when I met him, and I wanted to be with him. I knew I had a lot of growing up to do if I wanted to make the relationship work, and I did. I grew up pretty fast.”

The couple registered as domestic partners in California (partly for the health insurance) and then moved to Massachusetts a year later, where they were married in 2006 in front of a couple hundred people in a church in the suburb where George was raised. Most of the attendees were family members and friends — some of his ex’s extended family, George said, weren’t supportive of the marriage.

“And in a million other ways we were constantly reminded that our relationship wasn’t equal to a straight relationship, even though we were legally married,” George told me. “Whether it was doing our federal taxes, or hearing that most states weren’t going to recognize our marriage, or just not being able to walk down the street and hold hands without getting snickers or comments. Like many gay couples, I think we brought unresolved shame and deep-rooted feelings of unworthiness into the relationship. You don’t even realize it’s there sometimes, but it definitely affected us.”

Both George and Aaron said they’d also felt an added pressure in their marriages to “prove to the world,” as George put it, that gay relationships can last. “My ex and I really wanted to be an example to our families and straight friends that a gay marriage can work,” he said.

Dan Savage, the sex-advice columnist, told me he worried that some young gay men in Massachusetts might rush into marriage as a way to have their relationships validated by their families. “Once, our relationships were only respected if we had remained together for a long, long time,” Savage said. “Only longevity earned us some modicum of respect. Straight couples could always rush that validity by getting married. Now I just worry that some gay kids, desperate to have their gay love taken seriously, will wield their new marriage licenses and say: ‘See how real our love is? We’ve only been together five months, but we’re already married. You better respect us now!’ ”

George said he hadn’t been looking for respect when he told his grandfather about his marriage. “When I first got engaged, everyone told me that he would ‘just die’ if I told him about it,” George said. “But one day I walked over to his house and said: ‘Listen, I’m getting married to a man that I love, and it’s going to be your choice if you’re going to be in our lives. I’m not going to make that choice for you.’ He sat back in his chair and said, ‘Well, I don’t really understand, but do you love him?’ I told him I did. To that he said, ‘Well, I know love, so I want to meet him and learn all about you guys.’ I still can’t bring myself to tell him about the divorce.”

The day we met at the coffee shop was a particularly trying one for George. Hours earlier, he signed papers giving his soon-to-be-ex-husband sole ownership of the house they had owned. “In return,” he said, “I got some debt, a car and a painting.”

“Wow, and all I lost in my divorce was my cat,” Aaron said. “We hardly had anything, so it wasn’t difficult to decide who got what. The cat’s living with my ex on Long Island now.”

IT WAS A BLUSTERY WEEKDAY morning in February when I tagged along with Marc and Vassili to pick up their marriage license at City Hall. Marc pulled the couple’s Honda Accord to a stop at a red light in the city’s South End neighborhood. Vassili sat in the passenger seat, sipping an ice coffee.

“We really wanted a BMW,” Marc explained, but they settled on the Honda as an exercise in premarriage fiscal responsibility. “It seemed like the right thing to do.”

“We did a budget the other day,” Vassili said. “That was really scary.”

“We definitely need to reel in our spending,” Marc told me. “We need to stop going out so often. I mean, we’re getting married today! We can’t be acting like little kids, running around and spending money everywhere.”

After parking, we trudged through the snow toward City Hall, a mammoth nine-level concrete bunker. Marc and Vassili often dress alike, and that morning was no different. Each wore stylish jeans, black dress shoes, and a peacoat (Marc’s was brown; Vassili’s black) over a T-shirt. “We’re the same height and have kind of a similar style,” Marc explained as we passed through the building’s metal detector, “so we’re always wearing each other’s clothes.”

On our escalator ride downstairs to the marriage-license office, Vassili leaned into Marc and kissed him on the lips. Marc didn’t fight it, but he smiled awkwardly when it was over. “Marc’s actually gotten a lot better about not freaking out over public displays of affection,” Vassili told me. “The first fight we ever had was because I leaned up against him a little too close at Starbucks!”

“Vassili is just so comfortable with himself, much more so than I am or probably ever will be,” Marc said. “He’s really comfortable in his skin. That’s so endearing about him. It’s probably one of the reasons I love him so much.”

In the basement, Marc and Vassili approached the marriage license counter.

“I’ll be right with you,” the clerk told the couple. “You picking up something?”

“Our marriage license,” Vassili said proudly.

“Gays here!” Marc quipped. The clerk smiled, and Marc turned to me. “This is so weird,” he whispered. “We’re actually doing this. It’s starting to hit me that we’re actually getting married.”

The clerk eventually brought Marc and Vassili a copy of the marriage-license application they filled out on their last trip here.

Vassili beamed as he looked over the form, which had a column for “Party A” (Vassili) and “Party B” (Marc). (Before gay marriage was legalized in the state, the form listed “Bride” and “Groom.”)

Feigning outrage, Marc grabbed the form from Vassili’s hand. “Hey, why are you Party A?” he demanded to know.

“Because I’m the man, of course,” Vassili said with a laugh.

“We decided to combine our last names,” Marc explained, pointing to his typed name on the form: Marc Harrington Brent-Shields. “We thought about Shields-Brent, but that didn’t sound right.”

“Shields-Brent sounds like a verb,” Vassili said. “It sounds like I’m trying to shield Brent from something.”

When the clerk finished typing up the marriage license, she walked back to the counter. “Are you going upstairs?” she asked the couple.

“What’s upstairs?” Marc asked.

“The city clerk. She can marry you.”

“Does she like gay people?” Marc said.

“She loves gay people,” the woman assured them. She looked at the document in her hand.

“Is that our marriage license?” Vassili asked excitedly.

“Yes, it is. Do you want it?” She started to hand it to him and then stopped, toying with him. “Are you sure?”

“Yes, please!” he said.

“Wait!” Marc said dramatically. “I think I’m having second thoughts.”

The woman froze.

“He’s kidding,” Vassili said.

“Totally kidding!” Marc assured her.

The woman laughed, handed Vassili the license and wished the couple well. As we walked away from the counter, Marc, who had tried to mask his nervousness with humor, looked as if he might pass out. “I need to go to the bathroom,” he said. “I’m feeling lightheaded. Don’t get me wrong — this is very cool. But it’s actually happening. I’m actually getting married — to a man!”

We searched for the men’s room while Vassili accosted random people in the hallway and shared the news. “We’re married! We just got our license!” he said breathlessly.

While Marc splashed water on his face in the bathroom, Vassili told me that he hoped to persuade Marc to go upstairs and make it official. “That lady really wanted us to go upstairs,“ he said. “I kind of want to make Marc do it. I mean, we’re already here!”

But Marc was adamant that he wanted to wait. ‘’I just want to be sure we find the right person to marry us,” he said once he was out of the bathroom. “I don’t want to rush into this.”

What Marc wanted instead was something to eat, and he was relieved when we came upon a Girl Scout selling cookies near the building’s exit. He and Vassili bought five boxes and began devouring the cookies as we walked back to their car.

“You know what I figure?” Marc told me. “I figure that now that I’m practically married, I can start letting myself go. Isn’t that, like, the main advantage of marriage? I’m definitely not going to the gym anymore!” He looked at Vassili and laughed. “Will you still love me if I’m fat?”

“Of course,” Vassili said, wrapping his financé in a bear hug. “In sickness and in health. Until one of us dies — or, you know, until we kill each other.”

Benoit Denizet-Lewis, a contributing writer for the magazine, is the author of “America Anonymous: Eight Addicts in Search of a Life” and
“American Voyeur: Dispatches From the Far Reaches of Modern Life,”both to be published in January.

Hate against gays still exists in 2008 from Judith Reisman

2008-05-25T22:54:00.000-04:00

Recently I came across the work of Judith Reisman, Ph.D. whose work is largely known for her criticism of the work of Alfred Kinsey.

With a Ph.D. in communications she is the president of the Institute for Media Education.

I came upon her work recently as she distributed an article she wrote called, "Crafting Bi/Homosexual Youth".

I found it to be the most repulsive, prejudice and evil article I have ever read by those with an agenda to promote hate toward a group of people!

In 1995, she wrote a logroll for Scott Lively's "The Pink Swastika". Scott Lively is one of the founders of the dangerous hate group Watchmen On the Walls and an anti-gay holocaust revisionist.

The thesis of his book is that the Nazi movement was, at its core, a homosexual movement -- and Nazism is the natural product of what happens when gays take over. In other words, gay power = Nazism. Reisman wrote:

"As a Jewish scholar who lost hundreds of her family in the Holocaust, I welcome "The Pink Swastika: Homosexuality in the Nazi Party" as courageous and timely... Lively and Abrams reveal the reigning "gay history" as revisionist and expose super male German homosexuals for what they were - Nazi brutes, not Nazi victims."

Those watching anti-gay folks spewing hateful messages have been tracking the Watchmen On the Walls for some time. They are truly hateful and potentially dangerous.

To my horror when I shared Dr. Reisman's work with others, people would say, "Everyone has the right to their opinion and that both sides of an argument should always be considered."

Is this really true--always? Aren't some things simply unacceptable?

Dr. Reisman is quoted as saying the following things in her articles and interviews:

In the article, Rape of a sacred trust: How pedophiles have targeted the Boy Scouts of America By David M. Bresnahan in © 2000, WorldNetDaily.com, Inc. she is interviewed saying the following:

*Contrary to the popular view that there is little crossover between homosexuality and pedophilia, she says homosexuals are anxious to recruit young boys -- a practice that is becoming easier thanks to sex education and "diversity programs" in schools that teach children to consider homosexuality as both acceptable and normal.*

*But Reisman says what 90 years of police blotter statistics prove -- that young boys are in real danger of sexual molestation, and that the BSA has sound reasons to ban homosexuals.*

*Reisman conducted two recent scientific studies that challenge the popular mantra of homosexual activists who insist that: 1) they are "born that way,"
2) homosexuals make up 10 percent of the population, and 3) youths should be able to have sex at an early age.*

*"Crafting 'Gay' Children: An Inquiry into the Abuse of Vulnerable Youth Via Establishment Media and the School Room" and "Partner Solicitation Language as a Reflection of Male Sexual Orientation," are continuations of the work Reisman began with her study, "Kinsey: Crimes & Consequences." *

"They're claiming that homosexuals are not looking to have sex with boys, yet you have this massive number of boys out there prostituting themselves.*

*And how do you have all these Internet sites if they're not looking for boys? This is not heterosexual. By definition, when you're having sex with someone of your own sex, that's homosexual," Reisman said. *

'The ideal situation' Boy Scout camping trips provide a perfect setting for homosexuals to pursue their forbidden desires, according to Reisman, who added that any organization that provides opportunities for homosexuals to spend time with young boys will become a magnet for homosexual child molesters.

Under the guise of research and protection of children this women is spewing hate and prejudice. As long as she is given a forum and opportunity to publish and preach her hateful agenda against gays, the LGBT community is at risk for harm both physically and psychologically.

Some things are just simply wrong. Child abuse is wrong. Rape is wrong. The Holocaust was wrong. And the work against gays linking them to pedophilia by Dr. Judith Reisman is wrong!

Bullying in Schools: Harassment Puts Gay Youth at Risk

2008-05-25T22:51:00.001-04:00

I found this at Mental Health America's website:

Bullying in Schools: Harassment Puts Gay Youth at Risk

While trying to deal with all the challenges of being a teenager, gay/ lesbian/ bisexual/ transgender (GBLT) teens additionally have to deal with harassment, threats, and violence directed at them on a daily basis. They hear anti-gay slurs such as “homo”, “faggot” and “sissy” about 26 times a day or once every 14 minutes.[1] Even more troubling, a study found that thirty-one percent of gay youth had been threatened or injured at school in the last year alone![2]

Their mental health and education, not to mention their physical well-being, are at-risk.
How is their mental health being affected?

Gay and lesbian teens are at high risk because ‘their distress is a direct result of the hatred and prejudice that surround them,’ not because of their inherently gay or lesbian identity orientation.[3]

Gay, lesbian, and bisexual youth are two to three times more likely to attempt suicide than their heterosexual counterparts.[4]

How is their education being affected?

Gay teens in U.S. schools are often subjected to such intense bullying that they’re unable to receive an adequate education.[5] They’re often embarrassed or ashamed of being targeted and may not report the abuse.

GLBT students are more apt to skip school due to the fear, threats, and property vandalism directed at them.[6] One survey revealed that 22 percent of gay respondents had skipped school in the past month because they felt unsafe there.[7]

Twenty-eight percent of gay students will drop out of school. This is more than three times the national average for heterosexual students.[8]

GLBT youth feel they have nowhere to turn. According to several surveys, four out of five gay and lesbian students say they don’t know one supportive adult at school.[9]

What can we do to help?

Schools should offer a safe and respectful learning environment for everyone. When bullying is allowed to take place, it affects everyone. For every GLBT youth who reported being targeted for anti-gay harassment, four heterosexual youth reported harassment or violence for being perceived as gay or lesbian.[10] Also, we know that bullying was a contributing factor in the Columbine shootings and other school violence. Students, teachers, and school administrators who look the other way are contributing to the problem. In contrast, kids who said that they had a supportive faculty or openly gay staff member were more likely to feel as if they belong in their school.[11]

Help end bullying at your school with the following actions:

Be alert to signs of distress.

Work with student councils to have programs on respect, school safety, and anti-bullying.
Ask school personnel to have a discussion at an assembly or an after school activity about gay prejudice.

Help start a Gay, Lesbian and Straight Education Network (GLSEN) chapter at your local high school.

Youth whose schools had these kinds of groups were less likely to have reported feeling unsafe in their schools.[12] Arrange for a group like GLSEN to present bullying prevention activities and programs at your school.

Do encourage anyone who’s being bullied to tell a teacher, counselor, coach, nurse, or his or her parents or guardians.

If the bullying continues, report it yourself.

Association of Gay and Lesbian Psychiatrists

4514 Chester Avenue Philadelphia, PA 19143-3707

Phone Number: (215) 222-2800

Website URL: http://www.aglp.org/

The Gay, Lesbian and Straight Education Network

90 Broad Street, 2nd Floor New York, New York 10004

Phone Number: (212) 727-0135 Fax Number: (212) 727-0254

Email Address: glsen@glsen.org

Website URL: http://www.glsen.org/

Human Rights Campaign

1640 Rhode Island Avenue NW Washington, DC 20036-3278

Phone Number: (202) 628-4160

Toll-Free Number: (800) 777-4723

TTY: (202) 216-1572

Fax Number: (202) 347-5323

Email Address: hrc@hrc.org

Website URL: http://www.hrc.org/

Human Rights Watch

350 Fifth Avenue, 34th floorNew York, NY 10118-3299 USA

Phone Number: (212) 290-4700

Fax Number: (212) 736-1300

Email Address: hrwnyc@hrw.orgWebsite

URL: http://www.hrw.org/

Parents, Families, and Friends of Lesbians and Gays

1726 M Street, NW, Suite 400Washington, D.C. 20036

Phone Number: (202) 467-8180Fax Number: (202) 467-8194

Email Address: info@pflag.org

Website URL: http://www.pflag.org/

References
[1] Bart, M. Creating a safer school for gay students. Counseling Today, September 1998

[2] Chase, Anthony. "Violent Reaction; What do Teen Killers have in Common?" In These Times. 9 July 2001

[3] Norton, Terry L., and Jonathan W. Vare. "Understanding Gay and Lesbian Youth: Sticks, Stones, and Silence." 17 July 1998: 3Lexis Nexis. 20 June 2002

[4] Report from the Secretary's Task Force on Youth Suicide (Paul Gibson, US Department of Health and Human Services), 1989

[5] Chase, Anthony. "Violent Reaction; What do Teen Killers have in Common?" In TheseTimes. 9 July 2001: 3.

[6] Garofalo, R. Wolf, R.C., Kessel, S., Palfrey., J (1998) Pediatrics, 101 (5), 895-902

[7] Chase, Anthony. "Violent Reaction; What do Teen Killers have in Common?" In These Times. 9 July 2001

[8] Bart, M. Creating a safer school for gay students. Counseling Today, September 1998

[9] Sessions Stepp, Laura. "A Lesson in Cruelty: Anti-Gay Slurs Common at School; Some Say Insults Increase as Gays' Visibility Rises." The Washington Post 19 June 2001

[10] Reis, B. (1996). Safe Schools Anti-Violence Documentation Project, Third Annual Report. Seattle: Safe Schools Coalition[11] The 2001 National School Climate Survey, GLSEN, p.35[12] Ibid.

Are Gay Relationships Different?

2008-05-25T22:50:00.000-04:00

Here are some excerpts from an article in Time Magazine online which I think is worth reading.

Research on gay relationships is young. The first study to observe how gays
and lesbians interact with their partners during conversations (monitoring
facial expressions, vocal tones, emotional displays and physical reactions like
changes in heart rate) wasn't published until 2003, even though such studies
have long been a staple of hetero-couple research. John Gottman, a renowned
couples therapist who was then at the University of Washington, and Robert
Levenson, a psychology professor at the University of California, Berkeley, led
a team that evaluated 40 same-sex couples and 40 straight married couples.

The psychologists concluded that gays and lesbians are nicer than straight
people during arguments with partners: they are significantly less belligerent,
less domineering and less fearful. Gays and lesbians also use humor more often
when arguing (and lesbians use even more humor than gays, which I hereby dub
"the Ellen DeGeneres effect"). The authors concluded that "heterosexual
relationships may have a great deal to learn from homosexual
relationships."

But Gottman and Levenson also found that when gay men initiate
difficult discussions with their partners, the partners are worse than straight
or lesbian couples at "repairing"--essentially, making up. Gottman and Levenson
suggest that couples therapists should thus focus on helping gay men learn to
repair.

The author of the article asks:

Why would gays show more beneficence in arguments, do a worse job of
repairing after bad fights and find palpitation satisfying? Researchers have
long noted that because gender roles are less relevant in gay and lesbian
relationships--it's a canard that in most gay couples, one partner plays
wife--those relationships are often more equal than heterosexual marriages.

Both guys do the dishes; both women grill the steaks. Straight couples
often argue along gender lines: the men are at turns angry and distant, the
women more prone to lugubrious bursts. Gays and lesbians may be less tetchy
during quarrels because they aren't forced into a particular role.

He finds an answer with this:

"In heterosexual couples," Levenson says, "men become very sensitive to
their wives' sadness and anger. It's toxic to most straight men and
disappointing. They want their wives to idolize them, and they are very, very
good anger detectors. And they don't see any of it as funny. In gay couples,
there's a sense of 'We're angry, but isn't this funny?'"

No one is sure why gay men are worse at making up after fights, but I have a theory: it's less important for their sex lives. Probably because they don't have women to
restrain their evolutionarily male sexual appetites, gay men are more likely
than straight and lesbian couples to agree to nonmonogamy, which decreases the
stakes for not repairing. And according to a big study from Norway published in
The Journal of Sex Research in 2006, gay men also consume more porn than
everyone else, making them more "partner-independent."

The author shares more of his thoughts:

That's one reason gays and lesbians end relationships sooner than
heterosexuals. In a 2004 paper, psychology professor Lawrence Kurdek of Wright
State University in Ohio reported that over a 12-year period, 21% of gay and
lesbian couples broke up; only 14% of married straight couples did. Too many gay
relationships are pulled by the crosscurrents of childhood pain, adult
expectation and gay-community pathologies like meth addiction. Kurdek has also
found that members of gay and lesbian couples are significantly more
self-conscious than straight married people, "perhaps due to their stigmatized
status," he writes.

Legalizing same-sex marriage would probably help prolong gay
relationships, if only because of the financial and legal benefits married
couples enjoy. Federal benefits are unavailable to lesbian and gay couples even
in Massachusetts, the only state that allows those couples to obtain marriage
licenses. Kurdek says in a 1998 Journal of Marriage and the Family paper that
even though gay and lesbian relationships end more often than straight
marriages, they don't degrade any faster. In other words, it takes squabbling
gay and straight couples the same amount of time to enter what is known as "the
cascade toward divorce." But straight couples more often find a way to stop the
cascade. For gays, breaking up usually means simply moving out, not hiring
divorce attorneys.

Gay couples an example to straight couple

2008-05-25T22:49:00.000-04:00

Gay couples an example to straight couples
Jan. 14, 2008

SAN DIEGO, Jan. 14 (UPI) -- Studies of lesbian and gay couples reveal some key factors that may promote healthier relationships in straight couples, a U.S. psychologist says.Psychologist and researcher Robert-Jay Green of the Rockway Institute and of Alliant International University in San Diego says the studies of lesbian and gay couples found that the homosexual couples had flexibility about gender roles and an equal division of parenting and household tasks.

In a series of studies Green conducted with Michael Bettinger and Ellis Zacks, lesbian couples were found to be emotionally closer than gay male couples who, in turn, were found to be emotionally closer than heterosexual married couples. "It all comes down to greater equality in the relationship," Green said in a statement. "Research shows that lesbian and gay couples have a head start in escaping the traditional gender role divisions that make for power imbalances and dissatisfaction in many heterosexual relationships."

Heterosexual couples could learn from gays couples about sharing housework and childcare, using softer communication in conflict and having more nurturing behaviors toward one another and their children, the researchers conclude.

Dear Dr. Laura

2008-05-25T22:48:00.000-04:00

There was a time when Dr. Laura was vocal about her anti-gay views. I wrote an article which was published in the Detroit Free Press in 1999 exposing her hateful and false beliefs about homosexuality.

During this time an article circulated by those who also wanted to expose Dr. Laura's hypocrisy. Here is that letter:
___________________________________________________________________

Dear Dr. Laura,

Thank you for doing so much to educate people regarding God's Law. I have learned a great deal from your show, and try to share that knowledge with as many people as I can. When someone tries to defend the homosexual lifestyle, for example, I simply remind them that Leviticus18:22 clearly states it to be an abomination. ......End of debate. I do need some advice from you, however, regarding some of the other specific laws and how to follow them.

1. When I burn a bull on the altar as a sacrifice, I know it creates a pleasing odour for the Lord - Lev.1: 9. The problem is my neighbours. They claim the odour is not pleasing to them. Should I smite them?

2. I would like to sell my daughter into slavery, as sanctioned in Exodus 21:7. In this day and age, what do you think would be a fair price for her?

3. I know that I am allowed no contact with a woman while she is in her 7 day period of menstrual uncleanness - Lev.15: 19-24. The problem is, how do I tell? I have tried asking, but most women take offence.

4. Lev. 25:44 states that I may indeed possess slaves, both male and female, provided they are purchased from neighbouring nations. A friend of mine claims that this applies to Mexicans, but not Canadians. Can you clarify? Why can't I own Canadians?

5. I have a neighbour who insists on working on the Sabbath. Exodus 35:2 clearly states he should be put to death. Am I morally obligated to kill him myself?

6. A friend of mine feels that even though eating shellfish is an abomination - Lev.11:10, it is a lesser abomination than homosexuality. I don't agree. Can you settle this? Otherwise do I have to kill any one I know who has eaten shellfish?

7. Lev. 21:20 states that I may not approach the altar of God if I have a defect in my sight. I have to admit that I wear reading glasses. Does my vision have to be 20/20, or is there some wiggle room here?

8. Most of my male friends get their hair trimmed, including the hair around their temples, even though this is expressly forbidden by Lev.19:27. How should they be put to death?

9. I know from Lev. 11:6-8 that touching the skin of a dead pig makes me unclean, but may I still play football if I wear gloves?

10. My uncle has a farm. He violates Lev. 19:19 by planting two different crops in the same field, as does his wife by wearing garments made of two different kinds of thread (cotton/polyester blend). He also tends to curse and blaspheme a lot. Is it really necessary that we go to all the trouble of getting the whole town together to stone them? - Lev.24: 10-16. Couldn't we just burn them to death at a private family affair like we do with people who sleep with their in-laws? (Lev. 20:14)

I know you have studied these things extensively, so I am confident you can help. Thank you again for reminding us that God's word is eternal and unchanging.

Your devoted disciple and adoring fan.

What Straights Can Learn From Gays about Relationships and Parenting

2008-05-25T22:47:00.000-04:00

Newswise — Psychological studies of lesbian and gay couples reveal two key factors that promote healthier relationships and provide examples for all couples: (1) flexibility about gender roles, and (2) equal division of parenting and household tasks.

“It all comes down to greater equality in the relationship,” says Robert-Jay Green, PhD, executive director of the Rockway Institute and a nationally recognized researcher in both family issues and gay, lesbian, bisexual and transgender relationships. “Research shows that lesbian and gay couples -- by virtue of being composed of two partners of the same gender -- have a head start in escaping the traditional gender role divisions that make for power imbalances and dissatisfaction in many heterosexual relationships.”

Green is Distinguished Professor at the California School of Professional Psychology at Alliant International University, the nation’s largest nonprofit training institution for doctoral clinical psychologists. In a series of studies he conducted with Michael Bettinger, PhD, and Ellis Zacks, PhD, lesbian couples were found to be emotionally closer than gay male couples who, in turn, were found to be emotionally closer than heterosexual married couples. Lesbian and gay male couples also showed dramatically more flexibility in the way they handled rules and roles in the relationship. Thus they avoided the traditional division of labor and division of expressive versus instrumental roles toward which heterosexual couple typically evolve over time despite their best intentions, especially after the birth of children.

More equal relationships for same-sex couples also were confirmed in recent
studies by John Gottman, PhD, of the University of Washington, and Robert
Levinson, PhD, of the University of California, Berkeley. Based on observations
of couples interacting in conflict situations, these scientists found that
same-sex couples were better at resolving disagreements because they approached
problems from a position of peer equality, using “softer” starts in the
initiation of conflict discussions and more humor during the discussion to avoid
escalation of hostilities. With married heterosexual couples, the researchers
observed, there was “much more of a power struggle with someone being
invalidated.”

Other research on parenting also found significant advantages for same-sex couples. In three separate studies, Charlotte Patterson, PhD, at the University of Virginia, Valory Mitchell, PhD, at Alliant International University in San Francisco, and Henny Bos, PhD at the University of Amsterdam found that lesbian partners tend to share parenting and household responsibilities more equally and to be more satisfied with this division of labor. By contrast, in heterosexual dual-career families, mothers often did much more childcare and housework compared to fathers, regardless of equal hours spent at work. This imbalance often breeds resentment over time.

Psychologist Jerry J. Bigner, PhD, of Colorado State University, found that gay fathers are more nurturing than straight fathers. They are also less likely to limit their parenting role to being only a provider. All of these family researchers concluded that the freedom to defy traditional gender-linked parenting roles helped gay men and lesbians take good just as good care of their children yet preserve greater feelings of fairness in their couple relationships compared to heterosexuals.

Green’s research suggests some lessons straight men could learn from gay men. Heterosexual men need to “stand up to the pressures of conformity from their male peers and relatives” by becoming more flexible in their behavior and taking on tasks and roles more traditionally assigned to women. Green believes that heterosexual partners could learn by observing how their lesbian and gay coupled friends share housework, childcare, use softer communication of feelings in conflict situations, and more equally nurturing behaviors toward one another and their children.

“Our research found that the most successful couples demonstrate closeness and flexibility,” said Green. “We found high levels of both characteristics in 79 percent of lesbian couples, 56 percent of gay male couples, but in only 8 percent of heterosexual married couples. Clearly, the more egalitarian approach taken by same-sex couples is an advantage that could benefit straight couples too,” he concluded.

To Contact Experts at the Rockway Institute for commentary on relationships and parenting, visit http://www.RockwayInstitute.org, click on the For the Media link at the top of the page, then click on the Experts link. About Rockway Institute: The nonpartisan Rockway Institute promotes scientific and professional expertise to counter antigay prejudice and improve public policies affecting lesbian, gay, bisexual, and transgender (LGBT) people.

The Institute’s view is that public opinion, policies, and programs should be shaped by the facts about LGBT lives, not by political ideology. A primary goal is to organize the most knowledgeable social scientists, mental health professionals, and physicians in the United States to provide accurate information about LGBT issues to the media, legislatures, and the courts. The Institute also conducts targeted research projects to address the nation’s most pressing LGBT public policy concerns.

Website: http://www.rockwayinstitute.org

Sex Starved Gay Male Couples

2008-05-25T22:42:00.000-04:00

Sex-Starved Gay Male Couples: The Untold Secret

Gay male couples feel a lot of pressure to remain sexually fresh, new, and exciting. That's the popular stereotype.

"All gay men love sex and have it a lot" trumpets the popular press. "If I were gay," straight men joke, "I would be having sex all the time with my partner! Guys always want it!"

So gay couples think that other gay couples are enjoying all kinds of adventurous sex. After all, aren't men, gay men in particular, supposed to be sexually open and alive? But this is often not the case at all.

Gay male couples in long-term relationships (LTRs) in my office complain that they haven't been sexual for long periods of time-sometimes years. They tell me that they've agreed to get sex outside their relationship, or they are only sexual with each other when it involves a third man.

These partners question if they are really right for each other, if they're unable to keep sex alive between just the two of them. I'm quick to reassure them this problem is more common than they think. It isn't only gay couples' for whom sexual activity tapers off after their initial "honeymoon" period. For both gays and straights, sexual excitement wanes after the first two or three years.

Romantic Love...

This stage of love is only the doorway to the relationship with a new partner. In this stage, people often report feeling drugged. If originally depressed, they feel less so. If suffering from some addiction, they may experience diminished craving or feel entirely "cured." But love's a stimulant, too: People find they can suddenly operate on a lot less sleep; and a sluggish libido will ratchet up to match a partner's higher sex drive.
　
New lovers feel an elation, exhilaration, and euphoria mostly due to their bloodstreams being flooded with chemical cousins of amphetamines such as phenylethalimine (or PEA), dopamine, norepinephrine-all natural stimulants and painkillers. So if they feel drugged, it's because they are!
When first released, PEA is at its most potent, which is why you never forget your first love. PEA eradicates pain, lowers anxiety, makes the world bright and renewed-but above all, it heightens sexual arousal and desire for the beloved.

...And the Power Struggle

In this, the second stage of relationships, conflict naturally arises and couples begin having difficulty communicating. Like romantic love, this universal stage is supposed to happen-and end, though it lasts longer than romantic love and doesn't feel anywhere near as good. Worst of all, sexual interest in each other partner wanes, for gay and straight alike.
Being upset and angry with your partner and perhaps hurt, the last thing on your mind is showing physical affection.

Breaking up to make up

Many couples split up and make up-repeatedly, often in unconscious attempts to jump-start their romance. During a break-up, the fear, risk and danger all heightens PEA, which makes couples enjoy ecstatic sex. This "second honeymoon" is short-lived, naturally, and they soon return to less frequency and enjoyment.

Sexual Desire Discrepancy

Few partners are equals in libido. Typically, one wants sex more than the other. But at the start of their relationship, the "love drugs" make each want it as much as the other, with the partner with the lower sex drive experiencing an increase-again because of PEA. But when its effect wears off, he reverts to his naturally lower desire.

What happens after romantic love and sexual desire wane? Typically, each partner blames the other, not understanding why this physiological dynamic is occurring. They begin arguing, fighting and hurting each other-which really brings sex to a halt.

The problem with postponing sex for long periods is that you are creating a new behavioral template: The two of you become more like family, friends or brothers, but less like lovers. As a result, unfortunately, sexual anorexia can set in for any couple, gay or straight.

Sexual Anorexia: Not a Common Term

Anorexic usually describes people with an eating disorder who can literally starve themselves to death. Logically, but incorrectly, many people assume that "sexual anorexia" means erotic starvation, or depriving oneself of sexual pleasure.

In his book, Sexual Anorexia: Overcoming Sexual Self-Hatred, Patrick Carnes writes about it as a disorder that parallels sexual addiction (a term that he coined) and compulsivity. Sexual anorexia he describes as "an obsessive state in which the physical, mental, and emotional task of avoiding sex dominates one's life." The sufferer is obsessed with avoiding sex and finds it repulsive-which is wholly different from having a low libido or being simply not interested in sex.

Sexual Anorexia is different from having low sexual desire. Those with low sexual drives do not avoid sex, but can't activate their libido, try as they might. They simply lack interest, since their desire has been squelched or is non-existent. They may be avoiding a partner who wants sex more than they do, but they also seek to avoid confronting their own low desire.

Sexual anorexia takes on many forms:

1. A pattern of resistance to any sexual topic or overture
2. Continuing that pattern of avoidance, even though he may know it's destructive to the relationship and might drive his partner away
3. Going to great lengths to avoid his partner's sexual contact or affectionate attentions.
4. Rigid or judgmental attitudes toward sexuality and the physical body-his partner's and his own
5. Obsessing over sex and how to avoid it, to a point where it interferes with normal living

The sexual anorexic's main goal is to find ways to separate intimacy and sex. Men and women alike can suffer from this disorder. Most initially feel out-of-sorts and keep silent about their apathy, lest they be judged negatively in today's sexually-affirmative society.

I often see this affliction in gay male couples. They often break up, thinking that there is nothing they can do to fix their impasse. "If desire isn't there anymore," they assume, "that must mean it's over." But that's not true.

To bring passion and sex back into your relationship, you have to want to do it-and know that this time around, it takes work. It wasn't work in the beginning, when Nature was on your side, drugging you with excitement and ecstasy. To bring it back in healthy doses now, you're on your own-and you can.

Smart Things Gay Male Couples Can Do to Rekindle Their Sex Life

1. Plan time for sex.

Most couples-gay and straight-insist they shouldn't have to plan for sex, which should come naturally and spontaneously the way it did in the beginning of their relationship. But after the first five years, you must make time for it. Planning can help you anticipate being together, making the coming experience more exciting.

2. Focus on some detail(s) you find attractive about your partner.

Is your partner not quite as attractive as when you first got together? He's put on some pounds, lost some hair, and doesn't seem as hot to you now.

Then focus on what you do like about him-his genitals, hair, feet, hands? The way he kisses? Focus on any aspect of him that most arouses you.

3. Fantasize about some hot experience you had in the past.

It can be an experience and/or fantasy with your current partner, or with someone else. The popular press media claims that not being fully present with a partner during sex is destructive and to fantasize about anyone else is like cheating. Not true! If that's the only way you and your partner can enjoy sex, that might be an issue. But doing this every so often can spark sexual excitement in you both.

4. Watch porn together; get on the webcam with other guys on the Internet.

This aphrodisiac can heighten your sexual desire-and thus, for each other. There's nothing wrong with being stimulated outside your relationship, if you bring that sexual energy back into the relationship with your partner. Again, this is no problem unless it's the only way you can have sex together or one of you is jealous. This would not be recommended if so.

5. Consider opening up your relationship.

Many gay couples open their relationships after five to seven years together. In fact, studies show that 75% of gay male couples have non-monogamous relationships. However, these couples communicate and have agreements with each other so that both know that neither is cheating or doing anything in secret. This frank openness helps partners helps them reactivate sexual desire in one another.

6. Role-play.

Have you and your partner ever discussed your deepest, darkest sexual secrets? Maybe one or both of you like to be spanked? Maybe humiliating someone sexually turns you one? Perhaps you've never told him of your fetish of licking his feet or armpit? Fantasy role play can help you escape daily living, forget about your busy lives, and perhaps even problems in your relationship. Remember, you should only do this when you feel good about each other. The goal is to connect, not disconnect.

7. Do anything except have sex.

After a long drought in a relationship, engaging in sex directly may be too tall an order. If so, give each other massages. Take a bath or shower together, lie naked beside each other, kiss, rub strawberries on each other's lips and feed each other. But whatever you do, don't have sex! If you both honestly decide to, fine-but your goal should not to create any pressure to perform.

Gay male couples not having sex for long periods of time can now come out of the closet of shame and lonely isolation, knowing that their worry is more common generally talked about. Following some of these guidelines or creating your own, you might not have to walk away from the relationship you've always wanted.

CHILDREN AND SEXUALITY

2008-05-25T22:40:00.001-04:00

I talked with a journalist in the June issue of Metro Parent Magazine in the Detroit area about helping parents talk to their children about sexuality. On the Birds and Bees: Royal Oak psychotherapist Joe Kort adds that if parents are uncomfortable with their own sexual feelings, they are going to be uncomfortable with their kids.“

They don’t want to see their child as sexual,” Kort says. On Masturbation: Royal Oak psychotherapist Joe Kort says that throughout history, masturbation has been associated with shame, guilt and all-out fear. “You’ll go blind!” was a common threat, as parents slapped chastity belts and other medieval contraptions on their children to prevent them from the sinful act of “spilling their seed.” (I am reminded of the joke where the father says to his little boy, "Don't masturbate you will go blind" and the boy responds, "Can I do it until I need glasses?"

On Having Gay Children: “You can really end up making them feel they don’t belong,” says Kort, warning that the more disapproving you are, the more you’ll damage their self-worth and send them into hiding. “Often a child will turn to the Internet, pushing them to do dangerous behavior,” Kort warns. He says that gay teens can be vulnerable to sex abusers because they have no one else to talk to. He recommends if parents feel uncomfortable, or cannot discuss the topic in a respectful manner, they should seek out assistance, such as family counseling or a sex education class.

Meeting your new guy’s friends By Kimberly Dawn Neumann

2008-05-25T22:38:00.002-04:00

Things are great when it’s just the two of you. But then one day your new beau utters the phrase, “I’d love for you to meet some of my pals” and you know it’s time for the Friend Test. Don’t panic. This is actually a good thing. He’s seeing you as someone who might stick around for a while, and he’s ready to gauge how you fit with the pieces already in place (i.e., his social circle). But that’s also precisely why it’s very important to make a good impression at this juncture in your relationship.

“In the gay world, meeting a new beau’s friends for the first time is like meeting his family,” says Joe Kort, MSW, a psychotherapist and author of 10 Smart Things Gay Men Can Do To Find Real Love. “A gay guy is going to look for his friends’ approval before moving towards exclusivity.”

With that in mind, we’ve gathered some expert and real-people advice to help you sail through that first friend meet-up. Read on to learn more.

Could a newborn baby be gay?

2008-05-25T22:38:00.001-04:00

The “Tuscan initiative”, sponsored by Italy's equal opportunities ministry, promotes a billboard advertising campaign which uses a photo of a baby to express its message concerning homosexuality.

Baby Used in Homosexual Ad Campaign - Vatican Objects By Deacon Keith Fournier

My question as a gay man and gay therapist is, "What is wrong with considering babies and children as gay or lesbian?"

The article is about the Vatican objecting to an ad against discrimination of homosexuality showing a baby wearing a hospital bracelet.

The hospital bracelet worn by the newborn bears the French word "homosexuel" in the place where the child’s name would normally be placed to tell the waiting world of his or her identity. The campaign slogan is "Sexual orientation is not a choice."

The Vatican and others are criticizing it including a gay man himself.

Yet, Gianni Vattimo, well known postmodern philosopher, a self professed homosexual, is critical of the advertising campaign. In an interview with the daily "Corriere della Sera"newspaper he questioned the idea that homosexuality is genetic. As for the billboard campaign, he said "The initiative is in bad taste, in fact they've made a mess of it."

The reason anyone would think this is in bad taste is that no one likes to think of children as already being homosexual and later coming out as gay.

My thoughts are that it is because when people hear the word gay they only hear gay adult sex. They don't consider homosexuality as anything other than sexual. But when we think of children being straight we don't think of them in adult sexuality terms. We think of them being romantic and cute with opposite gender peers and teachers.

"Do you have a crush on Mrs. T?" we ask a kindergarten boy.
"Do you like Bobby in class?" we ask the first grade girl.

This usually means something romantic and sweet not sexual! So why do people think of gay children as sexual and not sweet?

What do people think of this? Why is this?

Homophobia is still alive and well...in New Jersey!

2008-05-25T22:36:00.000-04:00

Things are still not good for gays in many areas. This in the NYT’s today:

New York Times December 2, 2007

In a Progressive State, a City Where Gay Life Hangs by a Thread
By ANDREW JACOBSNEWARK, Nov. 30

To live in Newark often means grappling with unrelenting poverty, the
anesthetizing lure of drugs, murderous gangs, a lack of decent jobs. But for gay
men, lesbians and transgender people, there are additional obstacles that are
seldom acknowledged: gay bashings, H.I.V., open hostility from many religious
leaders and sometimes callous treatment by the police.

When venturing outside his Central Ward neighborhood, Tyrone Simpson, 19,
stays on main thoroughfares and steers clear of the men in gang colors looking
for easy quarry. Dynasty Mitchell, 21, an aspiring poet who works at a
supermarket, has learned to blend in by stretching a do-rag over his head and
adopting a thuggish gait in public.“If you’re not prepared to fight, you’re not
going to survive in Newark,” said Mr. Simpson, who is unabashedly gay.

But here in the state’s largest city, gay men and lesbians might as well
live on another planet.“You wouldn’t know that Greenwich Village is 10 miles
away,” said James Credle, 62, a Vietnam veteran who is working with about a
dozen other activists to revive the Newark Pride Alliance, a group established
three years ago after a 15-year-old lesbian, Sakia Gunn, was stabbed to death by
a man who, the police said, was infuriated that she had rejected his advances.
“People here feel like we don’t deserve to be alive.

For us, it’s about survival,” Mr. Credle said, “and all this talk of gay
marriage is just a luxury.”The city has no gay community center, no gay pride
parade, no established gay organizations; there are no bars devoted exclusively
to gay or lesbian clientele. “Newark is like one big closet,” said Ron Saleh, a
consultant to the John Edwards presidential campaign, who moved here two years
ago. “And there’s nothing going on for gay people.

It’s like a desert.”There are, however, a few hints of change.

In June, Mayor Cory A. Booker became the first public official to embrace
the issue by hoisting a rainbow flag over City Hall in recognition of Gay Pride
Month. Yesterday, Gov. Jon S. Corzine was expected to attend a World AIDS Day
event here. Last year, voters elected Dana Rone to the Municipal Council; she
became the city’s first openly lesbian official when a newspaper, after her
inauguration, reported on her sexual orientation.And while many gay men and
lesbians complain that they have been ridiculed and intimidated by the police,
Garry F. McCarthy, the city’s police director, has begun requiring sensitivity
training for all members of the force as part of biannual sessions that focus on
sexual harassment.Even those steps have met with resistance. When he presided
over the raising of the rainbow flag, Mayor Booker said, he was stunned by the
flood of angry phone calls to his office. “There’s a lot of silent pain in the
city of Newark, and perpetrators of this pain “those who promote the bigotry and
the alienation must be confronted,” he said.

For a handful of gay activists in the city, the schoolyard shooting of four
young people in August was a measure of that pain, if not of bigotry. They have
been pressing law enforcement officials to investigate the shootings as a
possible bias crime.Mr. Credle, an organizer of Newark Pride Alliance, said that
one of the teenagers arrested after the killings attended the same high school
as three of the victims and may have thought they were gay because they hung
around an openly gay crowd.

The police have said the killings were carried out during a robbery, but
the Essex County prosecutor, Paula T. Dow, said investigators were still working
to establish a motive.James Harvey, the father of Dashon Harvey, one of the
three who died in the schoolyard shootings, dismissed the suggestions that
antigay bias played a role. “That’s so baloney, I don’t even want to give it a
thought,” he said. “I’m just trying to get over my son being buried and gone
from me.”

In some ways, the lack of a vibrant, organized gay community mirrors many
other aspects of civic life in Newark, a city stunted by poverty and lacking the
kind of comfortable middle class found in cities of similar size.“We are an
underdeveloped community in every area, so it is no surprise” that homophobia
persists, said Ms. Rone.

Many churches in the city remain openly hostile to homosexuality.

Gary Paul Wright, executive director of the African American Office of Gay
Concerns, a group that provides education and counseling on H.I.V. and AIDS,
said his five-year effort to dispense AIDS educational material at local
churches had been universally thwarted.“There’s a whole lot of preaching about
homosexuality and sin,” said Mr. Wright. ?It really hurts and it makes me mad,
but it also reinforces the stigma associated with H.I.V. and AIDS, which makes
our job that much harder.”Such institutional antipathy drives many people into
lives marked by secrecy. Some turn to the Internet for connections.

One site that is popular among black and Hispanic men here, Adam4Adam.com,
has more than 500 active members in Newark; on a recent night, nearly 200 of
them were online.Not everyone feels the need to stay in the closet. June
Dowell-Burton, 38, a social work student at the Newark campus of Rutgers
University, said her neighbors did not seem bothered that she and her partner
shared an apartment, a car and grocery shopping forays. “We don’t hide anything,
and no one seems to mind,” she said.Sharrieff Baker and his partner, Edwin
Rosario, who own a house in the North Ward, said they had a very different
experience when one of their tenants found out they were a couple.

Last month, they said, the tenant tore up a shared bathroom, called them
“faggots” and threatened to blow up their house. When they called 911, they
said, Vincent Cordi, the responding police officer, appeared unconcerned and
agreed only reluctantly to take their complaint. Back at the station house, they
said, Officer Cordi sniggered with co-workers as he typed up the paperwork, at
one point blurting out, “How do you spell ‘faggot’”When they returned home that
day, they were attacked by the tenant in the hallway, they said; Officer Cordi
responded to their 911 call and arrested all three men.

Mr. Baker, who lost a front tooth in the skirmish, was charged with
aggravated assault, as was the tenant; they both spent the weekend in jail. Mr.
Rosario was not charged. Neither Officer Cordi nor officials in the Police
Department responded to requests for comment.Mr. Baker, who has filed a
complaint with the internal affairs department, said he was especially angered
by the Police Department’s refusal to designate the incident antigay. Newark,
unlike many cities its size, does not compile data on antigay violence.

The day after he filed the complaint, Mr. Baker said, his car was towed
from in front of his home. He suggested it was an act of vengeance; the police
said it was removed for street cleaning.Mr. Baker, 32, a real estate broker who
moved to Newark from Jersey City last year, said that because of the incident,
he and Mr. Rosario, a schoolteacher, want to move away. “I came here because I
wanted to be part of Newark’s renaissance, but now I’m afraid even in my own
house,” he said.

The Booker administration’s efforts to help establish a gay community
center have been largely hamstrung by what veteran gay activists acknowledge are
internal disagreements.Then there is the apathy. When Laquetta Nelson tried to
start a Newark chapter of Parents and Friends of Lesbians and Gays, she gave up
after a few months. “In the end, no one came to the meetings,” she said.For now,
the only refuge for gay people is in a nondescript building on the outskirts of
downtown. Project Wow, as it is called, is a no-frills drop-in center run by the
North Jersey Community Research Initiative, an organization that devotes most of
its resources to research on AIDS drugs and free medical care. Project Wow draws
a few dozen young people each night who come for counseling and H.I.V.
prevention advice but mostly for the camaraderie and shelter from the city’s
unsympathetic streets.

Alex Williams, Project Wow’s director, asked that the center’s location not
be printed, noting that 15 of the center’s employees and clients had been
attacked on their way to or from the building in the last six months.Sitting in
the lounge at the center, Tariq Pickens, 23, recalled how he and a friend
dressed in drag were ambushed on the street by a group of men and women three
years ago. During a few hellish moments, he said, they were slashed, punched,
robbed and doused with lighter fluid, although the fuel failed to ignite. “I’ve
had so many friends killed, beaten, raped, I can’t even count he said.Kira
Henry, too, has felt fear. Ms. Henry, 20, who is transgender, is taking a
cooking class. When she walks to school in the morning, she said, she tries to
look straight ahead and meet the inevitable taunts and catcalls with a forced
smile. But when the bottles and bricks fly, she said, she knows how to fight or
sprint in six-inch heels.“If you beat me up or shoot me,” she said, “I’m still
going to be me.”Like many of Project Wow’s clients, Willie Harden, 20, is
homeless and jobless. He is also effectively orphaned, although his mother, a
drug addict, is reputed to be somewhere in Jersey City.Since aging out of foster
care two years ago, Mr. Harden has lived at a series of shelters, the latest
being Covenant House. He said he tried to hide his sexuality from strangers. The
last thing he needed, he said, was more ridicule, or an uninvited beating.“It’s
hard living a double life,” he said. “It sounds crazy, but one day I’d like to
walk down the street holding my boyfriend’s hand with nobody saying one bad
word.”

The LGBT Mental Health Syllabus

2008-05-25T22:29:00.001-04:00

The Lesbian and Gay Mental Health Syllabus

Introducing a new website created by the LGBT Issues Committee of the Group for the Advancement of Psychiatry (GAP).

The site's goal is to teach psychiatry residents about caring for lesbian, gay, bisexual, trangender, and intersex patients. The LGBT Issues Committee hopes it will also be useful to all health and mental health trainees and practitioners.The site includes a series of modules that can be used sequentially to provide a comprehensive learning guide for working with LGBT patients.

The eight modules are:

* The History of Psychiatry and Homosexuality
* Taking a Sexual History with LBGT Patients
* Psychological Development & Life Cycle
* Psychotherapy * Medical and Mental Health
* Transgender
* Intersex
* Diversity / People of Color

Each module begins with a pre-test to help participants assess their existing knowledge about specific topics. After the main body of each module, a post-test helps assure that learning goals have been achieved. Modules also have relevant links, resource lists, and references to facilitate deeper exploration of topics.

Development of this site was supported by a generous grant from The Gill Foundation.

The Group for the Advancement of Psychiatry (GAP) is a U.S. organization of nationally respected psychiatrists dedicated to shaping psychiatric thinking, public programs and clinical practice in mental health. Its 29 committees meet semi-annually and choose their own topics for exploration. GAP Committees have pioneered the exploration of issues and ideas on the frontiers of psychiatry and in applying psychiatric insights into the general medical, social, and interpersonal problems of our times.

The GAP web page can be found at:

http://www.groupadpsych.org/files/aboutgap

Loving Someone Gay by Don Clark

2008-05-25T22:25:00.001-04:00

This book, now in its 4th edition, was the first time I had ever read anything about homosexuality from an affirmative point of view. It was given to me by a gay man who was two years older than I was in college. I was a Junior at Michigan State University and he was in graduate school. He saw my pain and panic struggling with my homosexuality. He gave me this book and it changed my life forever. I still have the original book which has yellowed and torn in places.

Loving Someone Gay by Don Clark helped start my coming out process and prompted the beginning of my becoming a clinical social worker and working as a psychotherapist with lesbian and gays providing Gay Affirmative Therapy.

Mrs. Hughes Live at the Ice House

2008-02-16T16:38:00.000-05:00

This is hysterical and so true! This woman is very good.

Joe Kort's Workshops

2008-02-09T23:46:00.000-05:00

Joe’s Workshops/Classes Dates

Click on the workshop title for more information and to register.

Getting the Love You Want (Heterosexual Couples)
March 1-2, 2008Dec 6-7, 2008

Getting the Love You Want (Gay and Lesbian Couples)
April 19-20, 2008Oct 18-19, 2008

Keeping the Love You Find (A Relationship Class for Gay, Lesbian and Straight Singles)
April 22 - May 27, 2008Sept 9 - Oct 14, 2008
(6 weeks)

Reclaiming the Man in the Mirror: A Workshop for Gay Men
June 21-22, 2008

Click on the workshop title for more information and to register.

The Invitation by Oriah Mountain Dreamer

2008-01-12T21:02:00.000-05:00

from the book, “The Invitation”
by Oriah Mountain Dreamer

It doesn’t interest me what you do for a living. I
want to know what you ache for, and if you dare to
dream of meeting your heart’s longing.

It doesn’t interest me how old you are, I want to
know if you will risk looking like a fool for love, for
your dreams, for the adventure of being alive.

It doesn’t interest me what planets are squaring
your moon. I want to know if you have touched the
center of your own sorrow, if you have been
opened by life’s betrayals or have become shriveled
and closed from fear of further pain!

I want to know if you can sit with pain, mine, or your own, without
moving to hide it or fade it or fix it. I want to know
if you can be with JOY, mine or your own; if you
can dance with wildness and let the ecstasy fill you
to the tip of your fingers and toes without cautioning
us to be careful, be realistic, or to remember the limitations
of being a human.

It doesn’t interest me if the story you’re telling me
is true. I want to know if you can disappoint another
to be true to yourself; if you can bear the accusation
of betrayal and not betray your own soul. I want to
know if you can be faithless and therefore be trustworthy.

I want to know if you can see beauty even
when it is not pretty every day, and if you can
source your life from ITS presence. I want to know if
you can live with failure, yours and mine, and still
stand on the edge of a lake and shout to the silver
of the moon, “YES”!

It doesn’t interest me to know where you live or
how much money you have. I want to know if you
can get up after the night of grief and despair,
weary and bruised to the bone, and do what needs
to be done for the children.

It doesn’t interest me who you are, how you
came to be here. I want to know if you will stand in
the center of the fire with me and not shrink back.
It doesn’t interest me where or what or with
whom you have studied. I want to know what sustains
you from the inside when all else falls away.

I want to know if you can be alone with yourself,
and if you truly like the company you keep in the
empty moments.

Comes the Dawn (by Veronica Shorffstall, 1971)

2008-01-07T23:12:00.000-05:00

After a while you learn the subtle difference
Between holding a hand and chaining a soul,
And you learn that love doesn't mean leaning And company doesn't mean security,
And you begin to understand that kisses aren't contracts And presents aren't promises.
And you begin to accept your defeats
With your head held high and your eyes open,
With the grace of a woman, not the grief of a child.
You learn to build your roads
On today because tomorrow's ground
Is too uncertain for plans, and futures have
A way of falling down in midflight.
After a while you learn that even sunshine
Burns if you get too much.
So you plant your own garden and decorate
Your own soul, instead of waiting
For someone to bring you flowers.
And you learn that you can really endure, That you really are strong
And you really do have worth
And you learn and learn ... and you learn
With every goodbye you learn.

The legend of the Sky Maiden

2008-01-05T13:07:00.000-05:00

The legend of the Sky Maiden, derived from West Africa

Once upon a time there was a tribe that was greatly blessed. It owned cattle and lands that produced fruits and vegetables in great abundance. But over time, tribe members noticed that their lands and cows were producing less and less milk and food. They could not understand why. The harder they worked, the less was available.

One young warrior decided to find out what was happening. He thought that perhaps someone in the tribe was taking more than his share of food or that thieves from other tribes were stealing the food at night. So he stayed up all night day after day looking for the thief. Finally, one night he saw a wondrous sight. A beautiful young woman descended from the stars carrying several large baskets. She milked the cows, picked vegetables and fruits and filled all of the baskets to the brim. She then returned to the stars.

The warrior was entranced. So he set a trap for her and continued his vigil until she returned again. When she descended, he captured her. He asked what she was doing and where she had come from.

She said that she was a member of a tribe in the stars. She told him that they had little food of their own and so she came down to find food for her community. She asked him to release her and let her go home.

He agreed on the condition that she return and marry him. She promised to return in three days.

When she came back she was carry a large box. She told the young warrior that she would marry him, but he must promise never to look in the box.

For months the couple was very happy with one another. But, one day when his wife had left to gather food, the warrior's curiosity got the best of him and he opened the box. He was amazed! There was nothing in it.

When the young woman returned, she soon realized that her husband was staring at her as though she was very, very strange. She gasped and turned pale. "You looked inside the box. I can't stay here anymore."

He replied, "That's ridiculous. There is no reason for you to leave. There was nothing in the box."

She said sadly, "I am sorry. Its not that you looked into the box. I expected you might grow curious. But, you see, I filled my box in the stars with everything that was important to me in my world: the air, the smells, the sights, the sounds, the tastes."

"I can't love you anymore now that I know that you find those treasures to be nothing."

From the book, "Who Needs God" by Harold Kushner

The j-phone: The other i-phone

2007-11-14T10:00:00.000-05:00

VERY FUNNY!

Cher 1983 -- You Got To Have Friends

2007-11-12T15:45:00.000-05:00

I remember this on cable when it originally aired. I was 20-years-old and I was gay heaven watching this!

If I did not know I was gay then (which I was waking up to by then), I should have. This special was wonderful to watch and the bonus was a Diana Ross and Bette Midler impersonator.

JOY! :)

It's called Just Found A Red Sock In The Laundry (While Washing My Ku klux Klan Sheet) featuring Ty Taylor

2007-11-12T15:37:00.000-05:00

From the man who brought us It's All Because (The Gays Are Getting Married), Oded Gross now has this funny music video.

Enjoy!

Could a newborn baby be gay?

2007-10-28T13:05:00.001-04:00

The “Tuscan initiative”, sponsored by Italy's equal opportunities ministry, promotes a billboard advertising campaign which uses a photo of a baby to express its message concerning homosexuality.

Baby Used in Homosexual Ad Campaign - Vatican Objects
By Deacon Keith Fournier

My question as a gay man and gay therapist is, "What is wrong with considering babies and children as gay or lesbian?"

The article is about the Vatican objecting to an ad against discrimination of homosexuality showing a baby wearing a hospital bracelet.

The hospital bracelet worn by the newborn bears the French word
"homosexuel" in the place where the child’s name would normally be placed to
tell the waiting world of his or her identity. The campaign slogan is
"Sexual
orientation is not a choice."

The Vatican and others are criticizing it including a gay man himself:

Yet, Gianni Vattimo, well known postmodern philosopher, a self professed
homosexual, is critical of the advertising campaign. In an interview with
the
daily "Corriere della Sera"newspaper he questioned the idea that
homosexuality
is genetic. As for the billboard campaign, he said "The
initiative is in bad
taste, in fact they've made a mess of it."

The reason anyone would think this is in bad taste is that no one likes to think of children as already being homosexual and later coming out as gay.

My thoughts are that it is because when people hear the word gay they only hear gay adult sex. They don't consider homosexuality as anything other than sexual. But when we think of children being straight we don't think of them in adult sexuality terms. We think of them being romantic and cute with opposite gender peers and teachers.

"Do you have a crush on Mrs. T?" we ask a kindergarten boy.

"Do you like Bobby in class?" we ask the first grade girl.

This usually means something romantic and sweet not sexual! So why do people think of gay children as sexual and not sweet?

What do people think of this? Why is this?

First they came for the.................

2007-10-26T12:17:00.000-04:00

" In Germany they first came for the communists, and I didn't speak up because I
wasn't a communist. Then they came for the Jews, and I didn't speak up
because I
wasn't a Jew. Then They came for the trade unionists, and I didn't
speak up
because I wasn't a trade unionists. Then they came for the
Catholics and I
didn't speak up because I was a Protestant. Then they came
after me- and by that
time NO ONE WAS LEFT TO SPEAK UP."
Pastor Martin Niemoller

Harry Potter comes out of the closet!

2007-10-23T11:01:00.000-04:00

Dumbledore is gay.

Now that Dumbledore is out of the closet in a children's book, what are people going to do?

This is an important conversation people are going to be having openly gay characters in a children's book.

The question is, "What is wrong with that?"

How can this affect children in any other way than positive? I hope the debate starts a conversation around the world that it is okay for children not only to know about and be around homosexuality but that it is okay if they are gay too.

Children struggling with whether or not they might be gay or have parents who are gay and even just hearing about others who are gay will now have a positive reference to consider.
The worst I can see happening? That homophobia starts falling away with this young generation reading children's books that include homosexuality.

Harry Potter fans' favorite magical, wand-wielding headmaster is gay, says the series' author, and as it turns out, many bookworms don't love him any less because of it.

Parents around the country told ABCNEWS.com that when their children heard the news that professor Albus Dumbledore — who was also Potter's mentor — was gay, most of them shrugged it off. To read more go to Dumbledore is gay

San Diego Mayor Supports Gay Marriage

2007-09-22T22:14:00.000-04:00

This is the most touching and moving speech by a politician.

**Warning** This is a tearjerker. It really is.

Sonnet XVII: Pablo Neruda | A LOVE POEM

2007-09-21T12:26:00.000-04:00

A client gave this to me and while she read it to her husband in my office I burst into tears!! It was a beautifully worded piece and wanted to share it with you all.

I do not love you as if you were salt-rose, or topaz,
or the arrow of
carnations the first shoots off.
I love you as certain dark things are to be
loved.
in secret, between the shadow and the soul.

I love you as
the plant that never blooms
but carries itself the light of hidden
flowers;
thanks to your love a certain solid fragrance,
risen from the
earth, lives darkly in my body.

I love you without knowing how, or
when, or from where.
I love you straightforwardly, without complexities or
pride;
So I love you because I know no other way.

but this,
where I do not exist, nor you,
so close that your hand on my chest is my
hand,
so close that your eyes close as I fall asleep.

I just loved it as it reflects the darkness that turns into light for our couples. It certainly has happened for Mike and me. This really spoke to me.

Happy Rosh Hashana September 12, 2007

2007-09-09T11:58:00.000-04:00

In the Jewish Religion it is Rosh Hashana which means "a new year". I invite everyone to use this time to renew and refresh your lives as I do each Jewish New Year.

Here is a funny youtube about Rosh Hashanah.

Warmly, Joe Kort

80's Cher Doll

2007-08-23T10:47:00.000-04:00

Many of you know that I am an loyal diva fan of Cher and Diana Ross. As a child I was not allowed to play with dolls so I would do so in hiding. My sister had Barbies and I would play with them when no one was around and watching.

In the 1990's with the popularity of ebay.com I started collecting the Barbie Dolls I always wanted. I now have most of the dolls I have always wanted and am still collecting more.

Now there is a new Cher doll for 2007. The doll is made to look like Cher from the 1980's.

I always say, "It is never too late to have a happy childhood!"

Can't We All Just Get Along?

2007-08-22T19:13:00.000-04:00

Here is an article I wrote about the problems gay men have in terms of being competitive.

Mixed Marriages: Interfacial Couples in Different Cute-gories!

2007-08-13T18:04:00.000-04:00

A humorous essay was written in in Time Magazine called, When Your Spouse is Hotter than You by BELINDA LUSCOMBE an editor with Time Magazine on April 26, 2007.

The author talks about the discrimination couples face when one partner is more attractive than the other partner. While this article is in jest, it also should be taken seriously in terms of the prejudice that exists for these couples.

Luscombe writes:

I've been in a mixed marriage for a decade and a half now and gotten used to the stares and nudges. I've even developed a couple of airy responses to the inevitable comments that arise from co-workers and friends along the lines of "Um, your husband is so hot..." Sometimes I go with "Oh, that's not my husband--that's my twin brother," and other times a dismissive "Yeah, but back in Australia I'm considered a great beauty. It's Nicole Kidman who's the hag." Each time, it hurts just a little less.

Like so many in my situation, I didn't mean to intermarry. It wasn't that I had ideas above my station; it was just that I was young and naive enough to think love would conquer all. Also, to be perfectly frank, I didn't think he was that hot. That's what makes this type of discrimination particularly insidious: it's not clear that couples have transgressed against hotness-equality laws until they're already married.

Nobody minds if you date outside your tribe, and people applaud an ambitious play for the hubba-hubba human across the room, but--as my brothers and sisters in the gay community have found--there's a world of difference between what people will accept in the innocent suburbs of hooking up and the judgmental metropolis of marriage.There is even an Urban Dictionary definition.

Elizabeth Hasselbeck from The View on marriage for gays

2007-08-03T08:34:00.000-04:00

Elizabeth Hasselbeck from "The View" makes some great points about why gays should be able to marry.

1. For the children.

Children deserve a couple in a committed relationship.

Did you know that in Michigan and some other states, you cannot adopt as a gay couple. You have to adopt as a single person. If people insist on two parents than how could can this be logical that as a lesbian or gay person you cannot be a couple to adopt a child? Insane!

2. For hospital rights and visitations.

Did you know that if you are not legally married you do not have rights within a hospital setting to be in the room with the patient because you are not family.

3. Marriage is a covenant between two people.

4. Civil Unions only provide a certain amount of rights.

The couple does not receive the 1300 and more Federal rights that heterosexuals have. If one partner dies there will not be social security benefits of the other because that is a Federal law privilege not a civil law one.

THANK YOU Elizabeth.

Meeting your new guy’s friends By Kimberly Dawn Neumann

2007-07-31T19:52:00.000-04:00

Things are great when it’s just the two of you. But then one day your new beau utters the phrase, “I’d love for you to meet some of my pals” and you know it’s time for the Friend Test.
Don’t panic. This is actually a good thing. He’s seeing you as someone who might stick around for a while, and he’s ready to gauge how you fit with the pieces already in place (i.e., his social circle). But that’s also precisely why it’s very important to make a good impression at this juncture in your relationship.

With that in mind, we’ve gathered some expert and real-people advice to help you sail through that first friend meet-up. Read on to learn more.

It's All Because (The Gays Are Getting Married)

2007-07-29T16:19:00.000-04:00

Funny video by singer Oded Gross about why trouble in his life occurs all because of the gays getting married!

Gay Affirmative Therapy Promotional DVD

2007-07-29T11:25:00.000-04:00

Here is a DVD promotional piece about the gay affirmative therapy work I do with the GLBT community.