Check out my @constantcontact newsletter archive

Check out my @constantcontact newsletter archive

365gay.com | Ask the Expert: My girlfriend keeps texting her exes!

365gay.com | Ask the Expert: My girlfriend keeps texting her exes!

365gay.com | Ask the Expert: Growing up Gay

365gay.com | Ask the Expert: Growing up Gay

"Born This Way" Blog: Joe

My gay self posted on "Born This Way" at age 8! What a gay pose next to my sister.


"Born This Way" Blog: Joe: "Joe, age 7 Oak Park, MI (1970) This is me and my sister Lisa. I knew I was gay around the time of this picture. How could the person taking t..."

The Daily Maverick :: 'Sex At Dawn': shattering the monogamy myth, and more

The Daily Maverick :: 'Sex At Dawn': shattering the monogamy myth, and more

OUTview Online: Italian Newspaper Slams Ikea's Gay Ad!

OUTview Online: Italian Newspaper Slams Ikea's Gay Ad!: "The Daily Mail reports: 'Il Giornale has labelled it as 'provocative' and added: 'What's behind all this? It's not awareness of gay rights f..."

When your spouse or partner has a secret sexual life

When your spouse or partner has a secret sexual life

(This article generalizes that the sexually acting out partner is male and the discovering partner is female. This is, of course, a sweeping generalization and more often the case than the other way around. I have mostly focused on the sexually acting out men which can be found here www.JoeKort.com under articles).

The biggest referral source for my practice regarding Internet infidelity is the computer. With one click of the keyboard, women can discover a whole world her partner is engaged in and would have never known otherwise.

It makes sense there is high reactivity as discovering sexual material can be very upsetting and confusing. 

When couples come into my office I usually do a few things immediately. 

First, I help calm both partners’ initial reactivity. Usually the partner who has been discovered on the Internet is experiencing a tremendous amount of shame for having their secret sex life exposed. They are often defensive, angry and blaming of their partner. The men often say they don’t know why they are viewing the porn or became involved in Internet chatting and want to stop but have been unable to do so. My work is to help them accept responsibility that for whatever reason they chose not to share their sexual activity on the Internet and that their partner has a right to their feelings of shock and betrayal.

The discovering partner often takes what they find very personally and feels that it is because she is not attractive enough or providing an adequate sex life to her partner. Another common reaction is to be very angry and say, “I didn’t cause this, this isn’t my problem” and he better fix this and stop immediately.

My preference is to help couples immediately and keep them together in therapy from start to finish to working this through together. However because feelings and emotions are running high on both sides I find I have to separate the couple and work with them individually. Both need privacy to get their initial feelings and thoughts out without having to worry about the other in the therapy room.

Unfortunately and understandably women often feel so betrayed and angry that they don’t want to be a part of the therapy because they say it makes them feel responsible for what happened and they have been blamed enough by the men who have often accused them of being hypersensitive and wrong in their suspicions that they were even on the Internet.

Consequently, I work with men first to help them understand their sexual indiscretions and how to explain to their partners what the sexual outlets were about and what they are willing and able to do about it.

When the wives and girlfriends are ready to enter therapy I try to work with them individually on whether or not they want to stay and work things out and provide them with resources and education their partners and on help them focus on themselves. Ultimately I bring the couples together to do the rest of the work and strengthen their relationship.

Here are some things for women to consider when discovering a partner’s secret sexual life:

1. It's not your fault!

His sexual outlet on the Internet most likely has nothing to do with you. Understandably this is hard to reconcile as often women compare themselves to the images the men are viewing. Also men may have often made feel that something is wrong with them by telling them to “get over it and deal with the fact that they enjoy porn” or making women feel “crazy” for being sensitive and hypervigalent.  The work here is not to take this personally as hard as that is.

2. He may have been sexually abused.

Sometimes excessive viewing of porn and sexual behaviors are the result of childhood sexual abuse. When women are sexually abused as children this often manifests in sexually shutting down as adults. There may be a period where they are hypersexual and in general when engaged in the sexual abuse recovery work they tend to be disinterested in sexual activity. Men, on the other hand, become hypersexual from childhood sexual abuse. While some men sexually shut down, the majority find themselves compulsively acting out in what I refer to as “returning to the scene of the crime” where they are re-enacting the abuse by watching it and/or acting it out.

3. Many women try to be more sexual once they discover men’s secret sexual lives.

Often women think that men are not getting enough sex so they try to compensate by offering themselves up sexually at a higher frequency and/or offering to do sexual behaviors in which they are uncomfortable. I often tell women that this is not the answer and that while they may decide to do this ultimately the decision should not come from desperation but rather a discussion with their spouse. Again it is most likely about the men’s inability to express their sexual needs and wants.

4. Many women are triggered by their own sexual histories, abuse and traumas.

Finding sexual material in a partner’s computer can bring back a variety of sexual betrayals for women from their own lives. Sometimes women have been abused or raped themselves and finding porn on the computer feels like being abused and raped all over again.  Seeing men objectify women through porn and the Internet can bring up a women’s own feelings of being objectified and sexualized against her will.

5. Going forward after learning about a partner’s secret sexual desires can be very vulnerable.

Recovering from sexual indiscretions in a relationship is possible and very fragile. I don’t recommend doing anything in terms of ending the relationship or even separating for at least three months.  It demands understanding what the sexual material meant about him, about her, and about them both as a couple. Insight into the personal vulnerabilities that led to the behaviors helps distance from the sensationalism of the sexual material and focus more on who both are individually. Getting past the trauma of the betrayal allows for safe communication about what the vision is for the relationship.

Latest Kort Report Newsletter February, 2011

http://archive.constantcontact.com/fs081/1102561682612/archive/1104300010342.html

I am excited to be going to London, England to offer my workshops for gay and lesbian couples and gay and bisexual males who are partnered or single.

I will also be offering a couple's workshop for all couples here in Michigan in March. 

I am writing for a popular magazine for gay men in the UK called, "Attitude", in which I answer questions from gay men about their lives. 

Read the newsletter for all this and more by clicking here 

The power of vulnerability

Brene Brown: The power of vulnerability | Video on TED.com

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Lady Gaga's new song is about gay children.

Logo Blogs: 365 Gay: A look at Lady Gaga’s “Born This Way” lyrics

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Couples Learn Valuable Lessons In the Movie Just Go With It

Couples Learn Valuable Lessons In the Movie Just Go With It - Yahoo! News

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Why Does That Arouse Me? Part 2

Why Does THAT Arouse me?

I am going to offer a teleseries to therapists and non-therapists on the popular teleclasses I have done on the topic os sexual desires, fantasies and behaviors. I receive many emails and clients coming to me having discovered something they found on the internet that has intrigued them but that may be taboo or disturbing to them and want to know why they are aroused by it. I have been successful most of the time in helping someone understand the nonsexual meanings as to why they are aroused by what they are watching or thinking about. 


All sexual fantasies are healthy. There are some that should never be acted on because they might be putting the person who has them or someone else at risk. I don’t believe there’s any pathology in our sexual fantasies or desires. Instead, I see them as a positive story about ourselves that’s trying to be told. Learning what the nonsexual meanings of our fantasies are can be very helpful.

For example, you might have a fantasy of being dominated and spanked. There’s nothing wrong with that fantasy and there’s nothing wrong with doing it. But what I want to help someone do is explore why they have that fantasy from a positive perspective and not necessarily pathologize it. Not in a negative way but in a positive way. What does that mean about you?”

Dr. Kort learned the benefit of helping people explore the origins of their fantasies through years of work with men who are addicted to sex and from those who have been sexually abused. By "cracking the erotic code" and learning the narrative of what the sexual desires mean can help you feel better about your sexuality and learn more about yourself.

  

Learn the hidden meanings behind what turns you on.

Fee: $15.00 Click here to purchase the audio. You will then receive the password to the page for download in an email.

Related Article: Depathologizing Porn: Why Can't It Be Just an Acceptable Diversion?


I would be very interested in knowing what you would like the teleseminar to focus on. You can blog here if you would be interested. 


I am thinking of things like talking about why people are interested in giving or receiving anal sex, cuckolding, BDSM, S&M, Fetishes, Group Sex, and everything between from vanilla to kinky sex!


Let's hear from you. 

Workshop for gay and bisexual men

Thursday, May 5, 2011
10 AM - 1 PM OR 7PM - 10PM 
Location: Beauchamp Lodge, 2 Warwick Crescent, London W2 6NE, UK.

There is also confusion about what is sex, what is love and what is intimacy. This workshop will explore the definitions of each of these and how to integrate them all together for gay men. Much of our culture as gay men, as well as for our heterosexual counterparts, are confused about how to make this integration. There is also confusion about how to have healthy sex, love and intimacy without having to have all of them combined. This workshop will help clarify all of this.

• How do you define sex?
• What is healthy versus unhealthy sex?
• Do you understand the secret logic of your sexual fantasies?
• What is your sexual shadow?
• Are you sexually addicted, compulsive or just have a large sexual appetite?
• Do you carry sexual shame?
• How do you feel about your body? 
• Do you want to improve your sex life? 
• Are you getting the love you want in your relationship?
• Are you keeping the love you find when you think you found Mr. Right?
• What is your definition of love?
• What is your definition of intimacy?

The goal of this workshop is to learn more about yourself as a gay man, develop tools and practices to live in integrity and be accountable, and to be able to identify your needs and communicate them effectively without your reactive mind getting in your way. It will also help you to develop strong relationships (both intimate and non-intimate).

For more information about this workshop go to http://www.joekort.com/dgaymen.htm 

What If It's Gay?: If God's Giving Out Gay Babies, Sign Me Up

What If It's Gay?: If God's Giving Out Gay Babies, Sign Me Up / Queerty

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Can you call yourself bisexual if you have never had sex with a member of your own gender?

Can You Call Yourself X if You've Never Y'd?

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Teenage defends his lesbian patents right to marry!

This video left me speechless.

Teenage man becomes internet sensation after defending gay parents | QueerUK

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Sarah Schulman discusses homophobia, family and her book Ties That Bind

She coined the term, "Familial Homophobia"

Sarah Schulman discusses homophobia, family and her book Ties That Bind

There is no such thing as being able to lengthen one's penis size

Don't believe any ad for lengthening penis size, it is all a scam--all of it.

Penis Size: The Measure of a Man? | Psychology Today

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Faking Orgasms?

More men think their partners are having orgasms than are having them. A recent study conducted at Indiana University found that 64% of women reported having an orgasm during their last sexual encounter, while 85% of men believed their partner had an orgasm the last time they had sex.

Shedding light on this discrepancy are studies on faking orgasms. Across several studies, the results are strikingly consistent: 53% to 67% of women report faking orgasm. As just one example, in a study of over 3,000 women who returned questionnaires distributed by mail and popular magazines, 53% said "yes" to the question "Do you ever fake orgasms?" Similarly, a study published in 2009 in the Journal of Sexual Medicine found that 67% of 101 college women reported faking orgasm. The overwhelming majority who faked did so during intercourse.

Orgasms: You Can't Fake it Till You Make It | Psychology Today

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Gay Marriage or just marriage?

I totally agree with this author:

“Words matter. They shape how people think, especially about matters with which they are unfamiliar. And just as it’s not “gay lunch” or “gay baseball,” calling it “gay marriage” means it is different from “straight marriage.” It’s not.”

Let’s Finally Say No To ‘Gay Marriage’ | The New Civil Rights Movement

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